guess who's back

haven't posted for awhile, so i felt the urge to do it tonight. so i'm torn between how i should feel about ray leaving again. just when i thought one of my friends was moving back here for at least a few months, he's got another opportunity in radio over in china.

don't get me wrong. i always wish that every one of my friends make it big one day and become as successful as they can hope to be, but its hard when they do it so far away.

first i hear that kano is going to school in chicago. then just a couple days ago after be so excited about ray coming back, i hear that he's off again in two weeks. so from now on here's what i'm going to do. i will try my best to not become emotionally attached to friends. there's gotta be a trick to that all. i've detached myself from computers unless it is for work. i mean the computer that i'm on now hasn't been installed for over a month now. the old me would have had this up the night of.

i think i can also detach myself from friends as well... at least emotionally. if anyone else leaves... well. that's what they have to do. for former coworker was right. once i accept reality (which is relative), but my reality, i'll be happier. i don't care what others think reality is.

in the next five years, i hope to finally finish getting my parents their place. then i hope to be a nomad forever. life would be much better without ANY attachments, physical or emotional.

ok. now for some words from the wise:

Let us forget the lapse of time; let us forget the conflict of opinions. Let us make our appeal to the infinite, and take up our positions there.
-Chuang Tzu

The absolute tranquility is the present moment. Though it is at this moment, there is no limit to this moment, and herein is eternal delight.
-Hui-neng

In this spiritual wold there are no time divisions such as the past, present and future; for they have contracted themselves into a single moment of the present where life quivers in its true sense ... The past and the future are both rolled up in this present moment of illumination, and this present moment is not something standing still with all its contents, for it ceaselessly moves on.
-D.T. Suzuki

i thought those quotes from the tao of physics were interesting seeing how i'm on the section of quantum field theory. particles such as electrons/photon can scatter in any direction in time and space.

how does that relate to us? i take it from this angle. take the notion of no past, present or future. EVERYTHING is now. the past and future are concepts we associate to time since we've always learned that time moves forward. with new discoveries and advances in physics we know that that is not the case ALL the time.

so why live life in the past or future? is there a point? ever since i was young i think my parents have always kinda hinted at that notion. i would always ask them what we would do tomorrow, when, etc. you know what my dad tells me?! we'll know when tomorrow comes. i always hated that anwser. guess what?! i kinda live by that same rule. i've never planned anything. my rule was you'll know when i know. i was happier.

with ages brings more and more memories of the past. i mean, it makes sense. you have MORE and MORE memories as you live out each day. BUT those are just memories. you learn from them and move on.

so what's my message. don't live in the past and don't rely too much on tomorrow. what matters is THIS moment. and here's a cliche... live it to the fullest! drinking, smoking, sailing, driving, flying... i will experience it all before i get put six foot under. my last breath will NOT be filled with any regrets.

thought of the day

commitment. words associated with this concept:

yes
maybe
try
could
should
want

those are just a few i can list off the top of my head as i'm huffing and puffing from my situps and pushups for tonight. i'm getting back into shape after 5 months off of working out.

so back to my thought of the day. so i'm chatting with this random girl from the philippines. long story, but she looked me up on msn and messaged me one day. of course i anwsered because i thought it was my cousin amy that i've spoken to recently. anyways this girl has been trying to chat with me still even though i haven't had much time to be online.

anyhow she seems to be a needy person just like someone we all know... me. BUT i've learned since my experiences that i let my emotions get in the way of what i actually want. i think albert lai brought it to my attention that high school kids now a days call that a person with emo or something to that affect. damn i'm getting old. i can't understand what the youngsters are saying anymore. i guess i understand how parents or adults feel.

in chatting with this girl... i realize that commitment is a hard concept to understand. some people think they have it down, but i really don't think so. the words i listed above are ones that come out of people's mouths when they want to do something. for instance... working out. for me it's plain and simple. you either DO it or NOT. most people WANT to exercise and get healthy, which is a good starting point, but if you don't take the initiative then that means jack shit to me. execution. take all the avenues you have out there to go out and actually do it. if you're lazy, find ways to motivate yourself. if you are busy, which i know most people are not even though they say they don't have the time, why the fuck do you have the time to eat something and sit around watching tv then? don't take too much offense to that statement since i can't eat like a normal person. at least i find ways to eat more though. the progress shows in the weight i've put on. so what if it takes me forever to eat. i am who i am. at least i'm making progress. more than i can say for those just sitting around criticizing. you know who i usually listen to? those that get shit done. key lesson here? acceptance and then change.

excuses. that's all i hear from people. it hurts. blah blah blah. NO PAIN, NO GAIN. so why do people give excuses? simple. it's easier to give an excuse then to get your ass into doing something. i have to admit though. i catch myself doing the same shit. BUT when i realize it, i take the appropriate actions to correct my errors. my problem is that i commit to too much. that's also a bad thing cause it's a demotivator. right now i have filled up my time so that barely get ANY downtime. i sleep maybe 7 hours a night.

what i've learned... ROUTINE. what about it? GET INTO A ROUTINE. leave maybe one or two days free to be flexible enough so that you don't break your routine. any changes are taken out of your flex time. if you can't fit it into that free slot... then you shouldn't commit to it because you have prior commitments. i've made some mistakes trying to balance commitments in the past. no more commitments that i can't keep from now on. integrity is also an important virtue to procure. i have an approach that i will live by now. that just means i have to learn to say no when i cannot accomodate a request.

there's my thought of the day. take it for what it's worth. rambling from a stranger you don't know or maybe from a person that you think you know, but not really. =)

i bid thee goodnight and happy thoughts.

continued from last post

figured i'd get this trip out there piecemeal. click on the picture yada yada yada. you know the drill. insights will come next post i guess. gotta eat since i hadn't planned on a long nap after work. guess that weekend trip did tire me out physically.

vancouver weekend

not much i can describe here, so i'll post a song lyric for now.

Jimmy Gets High

by Daniel Powter

Jimmy you know, everybody hates you when you're living off rock 'n roll
So you get high tonight
And Jimmy you lied, I wonder if you ever get yourself back here alive
So you get high tonight

'Cause you don't need nobody to make it on your own
You dont need nobody you'd rather be alone
So Jimmy gets high tonight
And Jimmy gets high tonight
I must confess, I'm a real live wire
Jimmy you and me we get along a while
Jimmy gets high tonight

Jimmy you lied, I'm hoping that soon maybe life it don't pass you by
So Jimmy gets high tonight
And Jimmy you know, everybody hates you when you're living off your rock 'n roll
So you get high tonight

'Cause you don't need nobody to make it on your own
You don't need nobody you'd rather be alone
So Jimmy gets high tonight
And Jimmy gets high tonight
I must confess, I'm a real life wired
Jimmy you and me we get along a while
Jimmy gets high tonight

I've been so confused
And I just hope it all gets banned to you
So Jimmy gets high tonight

I must confess, I'm a real life wired
Jimmy you and me we get along a while
So Jimmy gets high tonight

And I hope it'll be allright
Jimmy gets high tonight
And I hope it'll be allright

Jimmy you know, everybody hates you when youre living off your rock 'n roll
So you get high

short work week

where did the time go... besides the fact that we had monday off, work this week seemed to have flown by. i'm still ramping up at work since there's so much to learn and i've been away from systems administration for some time. i've forgotten how great it was before i left on my journey to be an application developer. i've always loved programming, but only if i am to benefit from it as apposed to writing something for others. for now i'll digress from work.

this past weekend... all i can say is i'm sorry. always remember that you are, and will be my best friend forever, even if you get sick of me one day. i have no excuse for all the things i've done that hurt you so much. you are truely more caring of a friend than i can ever hope to be. i know that you have a great heart and i took advantage of your kindness without much in return. and for you to forgive me this weekend and take me in still, that's just beyond words to me. thank you sooooooooo much for being there for me. i don't deserve a friend like you.

i wished you could have joined us on the hike at point reyes. the 5 and 1/2 hour walk was refreshing. as much as i hated hiking, the 13 miles did me some good. its like showering when i was a kid. i always hated to get in, maybe because getting out was cold, but i really didn't hate showering itself. i think its the same with hiking. i hate getting ready for a hike, but once i'm on the trail it's quite tranquil and scenic. of course we took pictures and i've posted them on my gallery page.

so i had a chat with eileen today over dinner. i think i've come to accept the fact that there is absolutely no one out there for me that i can talk with that doesn't complain about one thing or another. maybe i have to turn gay in order to find my soul mate. . well it's getting late. gotta sleep early these days. my body can't handle staying up late anymore. plus i'll save everyone from my philosophical thoughts for this week. there's too many to discuss in just this post or maybe in my lifetime.

gnite.

another fun day at work

i'm not being sarcastic in my title in case you are wondering. =p that's an entirely genuine statement. i'm still learning lots which i've always said before in choosing my career path; if it's not fun, it's not for me. my sys admin mentor, hans is still the same hans i've known in the past. greatest person to work with since i know i can always learn much more from him. i still have more to learn in the IT industry, but that area seems a bit dry at the moment. i do appreciate the political battles i've been through and lessons i've learned all in hindsight. i've also taken the experiences of professionalism and the process and methods that goes into IT projects.

outside of work though, as eddie and i were crossing the street from our bus stop home. these two girls in their suv rolled down their window to say hi. that totally took me by surprise. i was actually looking at the driver, seeing how i've always had a thing for blonds, then all of a sudden her friend rolls down the window and says hi to eddie and i. at first i thought they were talking to someone else, but when i looked around it was just eddie, me, and this one other girl carrying her dog. i looked back and i could see their eyes directly looking at us. i froze like a dumbass and didn't really react gracefully. neither did eddie though. =) i think we're both way to shy. looking back on it now there were a few things we could have said, but didn't. damn. i don't think i'd ever expect that to happen. so that made my evening.

i started my workout routine today. finally! dang david was too lazy last week and this week he was telling me he had gotten a whiplash from kickboxing during the weekend. i dragged his ass to the gym still and i started on some chest machines and one back machine. we'll work in freeweights again next week hopefully when dave is back in shape. i can't wait. another 10lbs here i come. i'd never thought that i would linger a little below 110. still my goal is to be at 130 so there's lots more to build. funny how these days i have to unbutton my pants to get some breathing room. guess i should start my situps again. =p anyhow today was a great start. my arms are sore as fuck. could barely drive even with both hands, but pain is always good. i don't think i need to remind you of that cliche. and for those that complain about working out, tough luck, it comes with the territory. suck it up and get your ass in shape. if you say you're fat, do something about it and stop whining. i'll sum it up in one word... listen up... LIFESTYLE.

so i've finally made my way onto chapter 3 of the book tao of physics. this read will take me some time since there is so much from reading just one sentence. i'm still learning so much, which like a typical geek, always excites me. so many philosophers have summed up what i've always thought in a much more organized structure. these consepts and ideas date back so far and yet regurgitated over and over so many times in various forms by others that never give credit where credit is due. one of my all time quote i still have up on my main website says "The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it." my man karl marx. it's not good enough that we understand what's going on, but what are we to do about it. physicists have always lived up to that quote seeing how they've always formulated new ideas to improve the way we think about the world.

tonight's post will end with another passage from what i've read today. there are lots, but i'll mention the one that comes out best in my mind. Here's a famous sentence from Descartes, of which is also on the top of my favorite's list:

Cogito ergo sum -- I think, therefore I exist

as Fritjof Capra states -- has lead Westerners to equate their identity with their minds, instead of with their whole organism. As a consequence of the Cartesian division, most individuals are aware of themselves as isolated egos existing 'inside' their bodies. The mind has been seperated from the body and given the futile task of controlling it, thus causing an apparent conflict between the conscious will and the involuntary instincts. Each individual has been split up further into a large number of separate compartments, according to his or her activities, talents, feelings, beliefs, etc., which are engaged in endless conflicts generating continuous metaphyical confusion and frustration.

later on he'll link how when the mind is at ease and the body and mind reacts out of awareness, can also be thought of as instincts, that that state is enlightenment. my coworker yoon told me once as i was on a natural learning high, and feeling like i've learned so much already, that acceptance was a state of enlightment. i can see how everything relates now. when i can demonstrate knowledge from pure instincts, without having to think at all, i've reached that enlighted stage of learning. yet there are sooooo many areas of life that i have yet to explore and observe. i've only concentrated on technology for the past 10 years of my life, dedicating hours and hours of relentlous reading and experimenting with vast technologies. there are certain tasks that i can perform without thinking, but there are still areas i'm weak in.

should that be the path i head towards? i love philosophy so much because it has a root in almost every field. the innovative and forward thinkers in each subject always reflects on philosophy to conquer the unkown to make them known. science and math has advanced so far that maybe 1-3 people in the entire world can grasp its entirety or the most leading edge thought. why is that i don't find people more enthused to learn more. we would all benefit from progress, yet most do nothing or want no involvement. i feel that i've only learned 1%, if that of everything i have a vested intrest in. sad. the human lifespan, even today, is not enough. specialization or broad knowledge. tough battles to fight.

i hope i've shed some light on today's post. sorry about the ramblings in the beginning. i write what i think, uncensored. everyone is human. =)

good night sleep

started out the week with hooters, the clippers game, and a few beers. good way to get some rest. i thought it was weird hanging out with one pharmacist before, but 4 at once, i feel underpaid. =) it's cool that these guys are actually pretty nice though. pretty down to earth people and not stuck up even though they make like 130k. and that's working every other week! damn i'm in the wrong field. ;)

all is well though. i enjoy what i do and that's all that matters. like that cliche says, mo money mo problems... for guys more ass. i guess girls too. =)

aight. no poetic posts or passages tonight. i'm tired as fuck and heading to bed. oh. enjoy the new album i've added to my playlist, the fray.

nites.

passage

while reading the tao of physics, i came across this passage right before the start of the first chapter that elicited my attention. the passage is as follows:

Any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you ... Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question ... Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use.
Clarlos Castenada, The Teachings of Don Juan

just thought i'd share that with everyone reading this blog. we may have heard this in one form or another and that it may sound cliche, but sometimes we just need to bethink certain nuances in our lives. this message could have easily been forgotten or compartmentalized and put away over time and or our busy schedules.

unsettling feeling

feels strange to be back home. i still feel like i have to catch a flight and that my weekends are too short. i guess i will have to get use to the fact that its all over. no more travel. no more dealing with ibm, or at least our division since i can't blame the company as a whole for making me want to leave. in the long run i'll be better for doing so considering all my options.

is it possible to breathe a sigh of relief and at the same time feel uneasy for being in one place? i think it'll be good for me to set some goals and achieve them in the next 5 years so that i have as little downtime as possible, yet also not waste that time with mundane tasks. time to expand my horizons and move away from my typical self in front of the computer screen 24x7. of course it pays my bills, so i can't be rid of it entirely sad to say.

my todo list:

• remember to ask for recommendation letters from west coast practice exec during my exit interview
• gre
• masters
• read tao of physics next
• continue sketching
• improve on golf for when kano gets back
  
• pick up archery with eric
  
• take sailing and vietnamese classes at school with du
• research habitat for humanity with eddie
• donate everything in my room except bed of course (tailor room to promote creative thinking)
• improve reading technique/skills (currently: 246 wpm @ 73% comprehension)
• add this list on a permanent site for tracking progress
  

freestyle rhymes

sittin here eaten my chewy ass steak
what a mistake
i'm better off sittin here spitin out lyrics
can yah'll hear this
little mc
i pack a big punch
like yo fat asses inhalen yah'll lunch
life on the streets is foe yah'll wack ass niggaz
yeah i said niggaz
call me what you want fuckaz
yo words mean nothin
just cause yah frontin
the only gansta attitude
comes from watchin yah'll mtv
now i don't claim to be tough
huffin and puffin on my pipe, psych...

...to be continue as i get back to dinner...

don't get me wrong
i ain't haten
always debatin
my internal turmoil
is like the war in iraq
questionable
over time my rhymes will come natural
like yah'll on herbal remedies
sippin on hennessey
that'd be me
j. to the i. to the double m. y.
so fly
gettin high

last weekend of work with ibm

(click on the picture to view the album)
here's what my cubicle looks like in may, after four months of high stress, chaos, bad management and unrealistic expectations. during this phase, there were lots of sleepless nights, drinking, smoking, traveling, piercing, and throwing up. i must have visited over 20 bars from downtown vancouver, seattle, olympia, tumwater, LA, to austin.

this has been one hell of a journey and now its winding down as i prepare to depart from the corporate consultant lifestyle. good luck to everyone that i've crossed paths with and may the future bring us back at some point in our lives. each and every person, has in some way contributed to whom i am, which is why i think i'm in such chaos at times. none the less, the experience may be worth all the happiness, pain, excitement, etc. at least i would hope so looking back on this years later.

the olympian

Letters to the editor

Officials must be willing to pull plug on projects

Having read The Olympian's article on the Department of Correction's OMNI project, I doubt if the project will meet its latest cost and schedule expectations. State government and Microsoft have apparently more in common than their monopoly, namely project cost and schedule overruns. What a surprise! Information Services Board has always maintained that the project agencies are ultimately responsible for the success or failure of information technology projects. ISB must however take responsibility for allowing continuation of failing projects.

As the article pointed out, successful completion of information technology projects necessitates a stable structural environment. There are at least a dozen factors that influence the structural integrity of an IT project. Legislative changes, however, are a fact of life. The Legislature must respond to social, economic and political changes. The project agency and more importantly the ISB must exercise more diligence in bringing closure to IT projects when changes to the structural integrity of projects threaten successful completion. While working as an oversight agent for the Department of Information Services back in early 1990s, I set the stage for closure of the COSMOS project at DSHS. Sliding a failing project's schedule and/or pumping more funds into it should seldom be the first option.

New projects can always be initiated. The larger the project, the more difficult it is to manage change. At one time, ISB encouraged the agencies to take on shorter and less costly (under $1.5 million) projects. This policy has apparently gone by the wayside.

Javad Naini, Olympia

letter of resignation

tonight i submitted my letter of resignation. may 15th with mark my last day with ibm.

front page news

my project made the front page this past sunday in the olympian paper. if you are looking for an amusing read, checkout the link here.

that's it for today's post. i'm actually pretty tired after my 3 mile run around capital lake.

actually i just looked up the distance since my coworkers and i were trying to make a guess. i guess we were all off... the distance was:

Capitol Lake Loop 4.95 Miles/7,950 Meters

another poem in progress

farewell
as light fades to darkness
so doth memories of a past love
reminiscence become forgotten dreams
farewell to my light

life entrenched in a sea of sound
astounding harmonics coalesce
music breathes life to words
farewell to compositions of antiquity

the tides of time pendulates
as the world continues moving
thoughts perpetually repugnant
farewall to my apocryphal imageries

looks like one of those nights AGAIN...

been laying in bed since 9.45pm tossing and turning listening to music to distract myself to sleep only to find that i've found new meaning to most of the songs that came up on my shuffled playlist. its amazing how each song varies in complexity in terms of lyric composition, but none the less the ones that are not complex can also be appreciated for its subtle melody and trance.

tonight i'm going to change it up from the last time i blogged. this time i'm going to watch a movie that my coworker brought for me. the last movie he lent me to watch was well performed and scripted. the simpleness of the movie is a masterpiece in itself. for those reading my blog and want to watch something more meaningful and yet fun at the same time, give 'big night' a try. now a days tv has a bunch of shit playing anyhow, but hey, to each his own. watch what you want to watch. who am i to criticize your taste in entertainment. fuck the critics that tell you otherwise.

now playing... crimes and misdemeanors.

good fucking night for those that can sleep. cheers to those staying up all morning with me.

... 2 hours later ...

holy fuckin aye. how is it that i haven't watched crimes and misdemeanors before. woody allen is a genious. of course i'm speaking subjectively, but none the less. religion, if you believe whole heartedly is a great constraint in life if you think of it as creating bounds moral judgement. without it... men and women can rationalize ANYTHING to be their absolute truth. as most of you already know, good and bad are words that are relative so i don't have to lecture you on it.

people like woody allen's charactor who live in the ideal world always seem to get fucked. the ideal world is where most people WANT to live in, but it is reality that prevails in the end. i've found it extremely hard to live life ideally when i see happier people in the real world.

what i've also picked up in the movie as it was coming to a close, was this one statement... our life is the summation of the choices we've made in it. choices dictate behavior. human beings are great at lying to themselves... or you can say that we are great at rationalizing the TRUTH. we can make anything true once we convince ourselves to believe in how we act or what we say.

basic human instincts though, cannot be faked. humans are fucked up in that sense because most of the time our basic instincts contradict each other. take for example the intricate relationship between men and women. if or when you guys watch crimes and misdeanors, pay attention to and see if you can pick out the basic human instincts and how they contradict. if i give you any more hints other than that you'll be biased as to what you want to see, so watch it and tell me what you think. i can tell you that no matter how guys act or lead you into thinking how they want you to think, deep down there's more to it as well. i've also made a bias analysis
of women and for the most part it still holds true time after time.

i can spend my entire lifetime debating the matter, but is it worth it... to an openminded person there is no anwser and we'll be in constant turmoil searching for the answers. to a closeminded person, there may be no issue at all. ignorance IS bliss.

so why can't i ever have a decent nights rest anymore? or rather, rarely do i find good rest. i would continue reading my new book 'a brief history of time,' but that blows my mind away on another level. bah to both einstein and newton... why did they have to prove that we do not have absolute time nor space. the universe is a beautiful masterpiece. i believe we as humans have only scratched the surface to understanding the universe. without relativity, there would be no soft bounds to govern what most believe IS the truth. time can be bent just as light can be bent. there's so much more that i've learned from the book just from roughly reading 30 pages. it's amazing that stephen hawking can articulate such complex thoughts and theories into something us mortals can understand. i have SUCH an appreciation for artists, authors, poets, professors, etc.. whomever or whatever which can articulate so well and progress or advance the human mind.

sometimes i wish i was just an ignorant fuck. life would be much simplier... sigh.

it is now 4.37am relative to the time on my phone. going to read my book, but first i'm going to finish watching the jack johnson upside down video.

one of those nights again

ok. has anyone seen that movie war games? if not...

Plot Outline: A young man finds a back door into a military central computer in which reality is confused with game-playing, possibly starting World War III

in case you still don't know... Matthew Broderick starred in the movie. if you still don't know, go look it up.

so why am i posting at 2 something AM even though i'm suppose to be sleeping. well... if you've watched the movie you should remember how it ended. basically the computer was fed conflicting information which threw it's computing cycles into an infinite loop. human thought is so complicated as to be conflicting at times as well.

right now my brain feels like imploding. i just want to put a gun to my head and make it stop. too bad it just doesn't have an off switch like computers. even a power cable or something. anything to allow me to sleep in piece.

i may as well describe what i'm thinking in hope that it allows me to sleep at some point when i'm dead tired. there's just so much i don't know exactly how to start.

i guess i'll start from just thinking of my last post. it got me thinking about relationships and what went wrong with mine. then i keep on thinking about HOW i should go about making my life better. which leads me to ask what exactly it is that i WANT to be better. i don't believe i ever came up with the answer to that except for simple things like my family's and friend's health. for myself though.. i can't think of anything that is not superficial. i want to be happy, but again i'm not sure what would make me happy.

sorry to disappoint you judy. remember that one time we were talking in your car about what i want. i lied. i never knew what i wanted. you were right. guys don't know what the fuck they want. for some reason, you're also correct in computer science guys being too sensitive. i think in our heads everything is thought of in terms of played out scenarios. like tonight... i have too many scenarios in my head, it feels like litterally a buffer overflow.

i'm trying to avoid using technical computer terms, but find it hard to describe what i feel since my vocabulary set is limited to what i know best. right now i'm still sitting in my dark hotel room. the lights are still off and all i can hear is the hard drive clicking with the frig in the background buzzing. i can hear droplets of water from the pipes between the walls.

so what was learned from war games and why did it come to mind? the point of the story was that after running all the war scenarios, the computer finally decided that the only winning move was NOT TO PLAY. i doubt that it could have determined that from the given logic we humans feed computers. we can transfer all the logic we want, but emotions can never be tranfered.

i'm beginning to realize that all those years i go around pretending not to care and being laid back is catching up with me now. there was ALWAYS a point where i cared. i just didn't vocalize my concerns except for those i chose were appropriate.

you would think that the thoughts i've describe above would be enough that goes on in my head... wrong. work... that's another beast in itself. just take the number of coworkers i have along with management, take the given situation of the project, factor in the clients, the process and methods, ALL the factors that affect the outcome of a project and run all possible scenarios of what could be done better, why we are at where we're at, and how can we move on from what we're given. try running that through your head and see if you can sleep well at nights.

which then leads me to my career. what am i doing now, why i am i doing what i do, and how should i move forward. the question i have is where do i want to move towards. again what, why, and how are easy answers once i figure out what i want. is this the thought that goes through most people's minds? if so than that's pretty fucked up. i never realized this sensation, or maybe i have. at one point i thought i knew exactly what i wanted in life. right NOW it's simple i guess. sleep. this post was suppose to allow me to get my thoughts out so i can get sleep. i know i have a good life... why don't i feel it though. why can't i just sleep...

response to judy's post

judy! i wanted to comment on your post, BUT its on myspace! i deleted my account so i can't comment!

so in regards to your two statements... "if you love something, set it free" and "if it was meant to be"

how naive was i when i thought those things. i agree with your assessment completely! i realized that i had doubts myself about my relationship, but didn't want to hole heartedly admit it. i guess it was easier to feel comfortable with what i had at the time. right now my set goal is to find someone that can challenge me, both mentally and physically. i've always been a person that likes a to debate (not argue) issues that matter in the world. what i've noticed this weekend hanging out with david is that some people just care too much about what others are doing. i mean who the fuck cares what so and so are doing in hollywood. they don't directly affect how i live or how the world can be improved. when it comes to sports, my tool for stress relief, i need someone to be at my level or preferably better. having someone that is better than me is ideal since that's the only way i get better myself. i guess that philosophy also applied to being challenged mentally.

so if you really ever loved someone, who the fuck would really let go of something that great? if you do... ask yourself why and you'll find a simple anwser.

and yes! if it was meant to be, is a statement that we only look back upon. everything that we said that was meant to be is applied in hindsight. things are only meant to be if i work at it. if you apply it to couples.. then its things "we" have to work on.

and here's a quote that came to me as i stare at code all day. it sounds like a mastercard commercial, but hey it's still true.

lessons learned in life...
some lessons are expensive, some come at no cost;
none the less, all lessons learned are pricesless in life.

soul searching weekend

i'm back from the land of the canucks after a weekend of soul searching. what an experience. now i can say that i can navigate most of the american northwest. well, not really most, but the major cities and downtown population. of course all that time on the road was good for reflection... reflection on my life and those around me.

if i were to begin my brain dump, this post would never end. so... lets begin by what's on my mind now and break life down into pieces. oh and by the way, if it sounds as if my post is a collection of lyrics, that just might be the case since driving all that distant requires lots of music so that i could keep myself sane.

so the strategy this weekend was to break my life into a collage. every piece was broken down and analyzed. hence that was when i figured out that my thought pattern is more complex than what i've claimed in the past. so let me begin by illustrating how i categorize my collage. basically i broke down my pieces as a captured snapshot. a time slice of significant events.

which was an interesting coincidence that david and i encountered a group of girls trying to perform an experiment for a project that they were working on. the objective of their project was to capture a 5 minute time slice of personal space on granville ave, which was downtown vancouver's busy street when it comes to bars. basically every other building on that street was a bar. so we talked to those girls asking what they expect to observe from this project. they really didn't give us a good explanation of their project, but i kinda figured what direction they wanted to go with it.

back from my tangent, i decided to take each piece of my collage and break them even further into human emotions and instincts. the field of behavior learning hypothesize that human instincts are behaviors that were not learned, but in fact innate. emotions then would be a composition of basic human instincts mixed with various life events. emotions control our quantifiable attributes such as fear, courage, pride, etc etc.

do you see where i'm going with my premous? this weekend has taught me that i can take control of my life. what i do defines who i am, but what i am also doesn't have to be what i have to live with forever. when i get away from my everyday life, it is much easier to break myself down to the basics. when that happens you can see yourself in a better light. what really matters though is how i want to change myself to get to where i want to be. execution is the key. which means what to me... leaving the past behind. life is living for the future. i've already set goals, which i've set aside for the past 5 years, but now its time to act on them.

imagine. that was maybe a 5 minute snapshot of what went on in my mind. now some of you can understand why i can't sleep most nights. driving lets me brainstorm to the point where i can't think of anything new i haven't thought about.

here's a fun thought though... picture your life mapped out on an equalizer. replace all the frequency dials with human attributes such as the ones described above, such as fear, courage, etc. the more attributes you can define the better you can adjust the noise wave... or your life. =) imagine being able to control the dials and say tune down your weakness like say fear. wouldn't that be a great idea? what if you find out that you can ALREADY do this?! easier said than done? yes, but it's definitely plausible.

i thought about this as i was looking at the DJ spinning at a club up in vancouver. it has to be THE loudest club i've been to so far. could have swarn my ears were bleeding or something since i could barely hear david after we left the club at 3am.

untitled

i realized i'm posting less and less these days. actually i'm on the computer less also. after having to look at one for so long at work, i just get sick of looking at one after work. so if you're reading this steve... now you'll know why there will be less posts.

initially i started this out as a theropy for getting most of what i was thinking about, but i'm just too lazy after getting back late from going out every night to relax. what i'm doing now is keeping a journal and doodle pad with me so i can jot down my thoughts any time during the day.

i can't wait till tomorrow though. time to hit up vancouver for the weekend and just hangout checking out the local scene. of course there's going to be lots of drinking involved cause saturday is april 1st. i'm going to leave my laptop in olympia so i can't be contacted online. i now understand why some people just refuse to own a computer at home. as soon as i quit ibm and give up my laptop, my goal is do fill up my time so that i won't need a computer at home also.

so here's a challege to my readers. one night i was out drinking in seattle and saw a quote in a bar... it goes "as we think and act, so becomes the world". i don't believe that is the exact quote, but i want to find the person who made that statement. i've already tried googling the phrase, but no results. does anyone happen to know who came up with that quote?

ok. i'm getting pretty tired now. still have to finish my laundry and pack up so i can head into vancouver tomorrow. time to get off of the laptop and doodle in my journal/sketch pad.