my nightmares

last night i had two most horrible nightmares. i think before that i've only had one and that was the death of my youngest brother. i don't even want to think about that one. i can remember crying so hard and drained of so much energy that i could barely wake up from it.

ok so the first nightmare pretty lead in from another dream that was a bit happier, but i forget the details of that one. so i end up on a passenger ship with one of my silhouette friend. the reason he's a silhouette is because i actually don't remember who or even if i knew him in the first place. so we're having fun manning the ship and getting people around to their destination where ever that was.

we were at one of the destination points and some guys started to get routy (sp?). one jumped into the water and procedes to swim. his friend looking drunk as hell tried to jump in also, but ended up landing on the ship deck still. all of a at the corner of my eye, i saw this huge shark. i mean HUGE. so i was just about to yell shark when i turned looking into the waters and i realize there were more people in the water. what a mess. someone got to yelling shark before i did. i was looking at the remainder of the passengers standing around.. suddenly i caught a glimps of gretchen in the crowd. our eyes saw each other and it was a weird moment of silent and awkwardness. almost like time had frozen even if for just a few seconds.

after our stares broke, i looked over at the crowd and saw that people were helping pull others out of the water.. i can remember one guy with a missing leg because it had been bitten off. it was a bloody site. others were yelling for their loved ones that they could no longer see. i kinda had a feeling that they wouldn't see them again if they had disappeared for that long under water. it was a really sad feeling.. i think after i tried to help and get the rest of the people out of the water.. i wanted to run over to gretchen to see if she was ok. i ran around the ship yelling her name.. deep down i felt something was wrong already. i kept yelling for her and had my so called friend do the same. we made several rounds back and forth on the ship and yet she was no where to be found.

i calmed myself down a bit after all that yelling and chaos. i looked off the edge of the ship where some people took off their garmets and stuff before they went into the water. i noticed that the clothes that gretchen had on was also on the side of the ship. at this point my heart just sunk and my chest felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on it. that deep down feeling i had early finely hit. i feel to my knees screaming my lungs out... gretchen! i was screaming soooo loud i blocked out any surrounding sounds. that was hard considering all the chaos still happening on the ship. my friend was trying to calm me down. he had informed me that some passengers saw her jumping into the water to rescue her dad. both of them never made it back up.

i was soaked in tears and my entire body was trembling. i don't know what else went on after that, but i think that woke me up at one point. i can remember my body trembling in bed as i woke. i was also in a lot of sweat. must have been from all the activities of screaming and running around in the dream. i hope i wasn't really yelling gretchen in my sleep also because that would scare eddie from across the way whom is resting up for this morning's 7 hour drive up north.

so that was the first nightmare i had for the night... and yet there's also another one in the same night. two top most worst nightmares in one night...

the second nightmare isn't as active as the first, but symbolically and emotionally on the same level. this one really doesn't have a story or at least one that i can remember... all i remember is that i was at some wedding. there were a bunch of little events that went on during the wedding, but i don't think they are relevant to the outcome. so why was this a nightmare when i'm attending a wedding? it should be a happy day right?

well here's where the nightmare begins. after the wedding, i realized in the dream that i was attending gretchen's wedding! she had just married some silhouette guy. he was not relevant either. i think the sad part was when i tried to talk to her at the end of the ceremony, she was very formal, for lack of a better word. like if i was an unknown guest and she was just being polite.

i realized that that's how we may end up instead of the close friends that we use to be. i think that's what i'm most sad about these days. i really miss her company more than the fact of having her as a girlfriend. i miss talking to by best friend. the wedding was really not important to me as much as the fact that i just lost my best friend. the best friend that seemed like my soulmate through thick and thin. even if we're not a couple all i wanted was for us to remain friends. up till now i'm most fearful of that feeling. symbolically its as though she really did die, like in my first dream. the same sensation runs through me. again my body is hot in sweat and trembling.

i think i see it clearly now. i don't need to be gretchen's boyfriend or husband or anything like that. the part i missed most was our conversations and her company. i could tell her anything without the fear of being judged. she always listened to my issues and kept me balanced. right now i think i'm lacking that balance in life. we don't talk anymore or even hangout. the one day she came over to pickup my letter, i felt like someone put a brick wall between us. all i wanted was to climb that wall just for a little hug. i understand how important those hugs are to gretchen now. she was always happy when we've had our hugs. there's just a feeling of comfort in that its saying we'll always be there for each other, a couple or not.