power outage... argh

ok. so the power was out at my place for several hours. what a pisser. i mean we've had internet outages before, but this just sucked big time. imagine not being able to listen to music or pretty do anything that requires power. i was just sitting around staring at the wall... soo bored that i feel asleep for a couple hours and woke up at half past noon. i wasn't really hungry yet, but really i don't get hungry often. seeing how i've lost some weight over the last couple weeks with everything going on i decided to get out of bed and go out for a fresh breathe of air.

has anyone really stopped for a moment and realize just how lucky they are to have good health and just being able to enjoy breathing? feels damn good. so i procede to drive over to sagami's to grab lunch and eat outside today. usually i would take it home and eat it as i surf net or bother some working ppl online. i'm just getting back into eating again after having all these single meal days, so i grab a tray of spicy tuna and calpico water. i think i'll give my liver a little break from all that jack and coke, even though i'm still craving it. actually i want a glass now as i type this. always puts me into a state of bliss.

so i sit there eating alone, staring at the birds. it was peaceful. as usually i eat very slow so i sat there for maybe almost an hour just to finish 8 pieces of spicy tuna... but i can give it shit since i have no one waiting on me. =) i must admit i'd rather be rushed though and have company to chat with. oh well. kano.. if you are reading this... come back fast!

ok so i couldn't finish my lunch, but i at least ate today. two pieces left so i just picked out the tuna and ate them. still lots of things going on in my head so i head off to the driving range to hit some balls since heading home would be pointless since i can't do anything. the range was ok today. not my best, but not my worse either. i was able to manage 100 yds with my wedge a few hits. i hit all my balls fast cause there's no one with me there either. recently david has been my driving range buddy since kano isn't around. i must say. david has improved a tremedous amount since he first started. damn. he picks it up quick. i'm proud of him for putting in the effort. i try to motivate him to practice more golf and he motivates me to workout. its a good trade.

oh and btw.. last night was the best workout session i've had in ages. i was able to channel all my anger, rage, disappointment, every single emotion i was feeling into my workout. i was lifting like 150 lbs on the chest machines at 24hr. i usually lift 70 lbs or a little more. that felt great... at first i started with 100 something and david put on another 50. he finished his reps and was taking off the weights since i usually can't do his amount, but today i didn't care.. my first set was sooooo easy it felt like i was lifting feathers. so i started to lift his weights... man.. it felt sooo good. i was able to lift them and complete my set. i think when i workout on normal days, my mind always says i can't do anymore and somehow my body believes that. as david says its all in the head. i really thing that's true now. physically my body can take more weights for out workouts.

right now i'm celebrating with some good o jack and coke. good shit as usual. ;) i'm testing this photo upload on blogspot. here are some photos of my room in the middle of redecorating.







what a day. started out with a good outlook and now i'm back to thinking about gretchen again. talked with jerry, my exroomate whom set gretchen and i up. everytime i talk to jerry i can only picture the day i met gretchen. i was so happy. i didn't know her at the time, but from her spunky attitute she looked so cute.

ok enough of those memories. i'm sure i'm the only one that thinks about them. they probably don't mean anything to gretchen these days. to busy with school and moving on in life.

my final move today was to remove gretchen from my aim list. no more contact period, at least for now. i must move on myself and keeping her on my list just makes it worse. i want to talk to her badly, but i know i shouldn't. deep down my love for her is still strong, but i realize i'm screwing myself up mentally and physically over a person that i can't ever get to love me the same way.

every night i wish the next day will be better. i want to keep talking to my friends on phone, but i think that would bother them since they've already consulted me the last few days. tonight will be hard to get over. to be honest... i still can't sleep well at nights lately. when i close my eyes all i see is her. fuck. why does love hurt this much.