one of those nights again

ok. has anyone seen that movie war games? if not...

Plot Outline: A young man finds a back door into a military central computer in which reality is confused with game-playing, possibly starting World War III

in case you still don't know... Matthew Broderick starred in the movie. if you still don't know, go look it up.

so why am i posting at 2 something AM even though i'm suppose to be sleeping. well... if you've watched the movie you should remember how it ended. basically the computer was fed conflicting information which threw it's computing cycles into an infinite loop. human thought is so complicated as to be conflicting at times as well.

right now my brain feels like imploding. i just want to put a gun to my head and make it stop. too bad it just doesn't have an off switch like computers. even a power cable or something. anything to allow me to sleep in piece.

i may as well describe what i'm thinking in hope that it allows me to sleep at some point when i'm dead tired. there's just so much i don't know exactly how to start.

i guess i'll start from just thinking of my last post. it got me thinking about relationships and what went wrong with mine. then i keep on thinking about HOW i should go about making my life better. which leads me to ask what exactly it is that i WANT to be better. i don't believe i ever came up with the answer to that except for simple things like my family's and friend's health. for myself though.. i can't think of anything that is not superficial. i want to be happy, but again i'm not sure what would make me happy.

sorry to disappoint you judy. remember that one time we were talking in your car about what i want. i lied. i never knew what i wanted. you were right. guys don't know what the fuck they want. for some reason, you're also correct in computer science guys being too sensitive. i think in our heads everything is thought of in terms of played out scenarios. like tonight... i have too many scenarios in my head, it feels like litterally a buffer overflow.

i'm trying to avoid using technical computer terms, but find it hard to describe what i feel since my vocabulary set is limited to what i know best. right now i'm still sitting in my dark hotel room. the lights are still off and all i can hear is the hard drive clicking with the frig in the background buzzing. i can hear droplets of water from the pipes between the walls.

so what was learned from war games and why did it come to mind? the point of the story was that after running all the war scenarios, the computer finally decided that the only winning move was NOT TO PLAY. i doubt that it could have determined that from the given logic we humans feed computers. we can transfer all the logic we want, but emotions can never be tranfered.

i'm beginning to realize that all those years i go around pretending not to care and being laid back is catching up with me now. there was ALWAYS a point where i cared. i just didn't vocalize my concerns except for those i chose were appropriate.

you would think that the thoughts i've describe above would be enough that goes on in my head... wrong. work... that's another beast in itself. just take the number of coworkers i have along with management, take the given situation of the project, factor in the clients, the process and methods, ALL the factors that affect the outcome of a project and run all possible scenarios of what could be done better, why we are at where we're at, and how can we move on from what we're given. try running that through your head and see if you can sleep well at nights.

which then leads me to my career. what am i doing now, why i am i doing what i do, and how should i move forward. the question i have is where do i want to move towards. again what, why, and how are easy answers once i figure out what i want. is this the thought that goes through most people's minds? if so than that's pretty fucked up. i never realized this sensation, or maybe i have. at one point i thought i knew exactly what i wanted in life. right NOW it's simple i guess. sleep. this post was suppose to allow me to get my thoughts out so i can get sleep. i know i have a good life... why don't i feel it though. why can't i just sleep...