restless nights

last night, i don't even know what time, i wokeup with tears running down my eyes. even while i'm suppose to be sleeping and not thinking about anything my emotions run wild. if someone had told me how painful breaking up with someone would be, i couldn't have imagined that it would be this painful.

waking up was hard today. i just wanted to keep sleeping. i know its not good for me, just as everything else i've been doing, but its the easy way out. as much as i want to be a stronger person or think that i was at one point, emotionally i'm a wreck. i think over the years G has broken down my protective barrier.

had a conference call at 1pm today. apparently my project manager and the team lead didn't know i was scheduled for vacation after this week till the end of the year. they had some work they wanted to give. so the compromise is that i helped them with some of the work they had intended for me up until friday. i think the vegas friday trip will be well needed. this time no gambling though.

...

overall the day went pretty good. keeping myself busy kinda does the trick. eileen kept me company for lunch and dinner. we also attempted to do some shopping at fashion island, but i'm still not really in the mood to shop these days even for myself. material objects just don't cut it anymore.

so we ended up chatting over life and relationships at the starbucks. instead of just my problems, we also talked about eileen's issues and views. i think it feels a bit soothing to be able to move away from what i'm face with what others have gone through in life. a lot of my friends have gone through rough patches in their lives and i don't think i ever had the chance to talk to them about it before.

for instance eileen. i always saw her as carefree and very self motivated, independent, and always content. most of the time she does feel that, but she also mention that just because she seems like that doesn't mean that she doesn't want someone special in her life as well. in life people view success in many forms. to some, success is very simple. you achieve all your goals such as degrees, career, and independence. some, like me, think of success as just being able to make ends meet and maybe being able to save as well but also being able to share my life experiences with a special person, no matter my state the degrees i've obtained or my job etc. basically i'd rather choose love over money and wealth. there are obviouly more views on success and we can go on forever but these two are the most common i believe. of course if you were kris and reading this... you would probably measure success spiritually and beyond our human form.

so what is my point? well... why can't we combine the two most common success i see above? i believe that's because they conflict with each other. if you are career oriented and want to become successful in that manner, how can you invest enough time into that special person you want to share your life with... sure, you would think that that is possible and i'm sure a lot of people out there are trying, and to them i applaud cause i assume its not easy. i believe that a great and lasting relationship takes lots of work and if you want to be career oriented that goes against your career goals because career people are work-a-holics. you work extremely hard to climb the ladders and build your credentials putting aside certain goals. sometimes even putting aside time for yourself to live life to the fullest. of course i some people will say otherwise because living your life to the fullest is subjective.

ok so i didn't have a point in all that. just an insight into my views on how different people measure success in life. so how do you view success?