yet another day

well.. after some jack and coke again.. i was able to have a full night sleep. why then do i wakeup feeling like shit though. of course i know the answer to that. so yesterday after speaking with jerry i think i was back where i started. jerry was the exroomate that introduced gretchen and i. ahh. i can still picture that moment vividly. i picked her up at the flag pole in front of uci. she was with her friend ramona. she had on this spunky attitude and a great smile.

then i wanted to blame jerry for setting us up in the first place, but i really can't since he did start my 5 years of bliss. didn't matter that we began with a rocky relationship, i enjoyed every moment with her. i should have let her know how much i really loved having her around.

mornings like today always temps me to have a drink to get by. its sad how much i like to drink now, since i'm usually not a drinker. good thing for low tolerance or else i'd be drinking myself to death. although some nights i would wish that i don't wakeup at all. might be best.

my heart hurts so much right now. please make the pain go away. =(

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went to church today at noon. wanted to take my mind off and actually do something better with my time. so i went and prayed for my brother's health and everyone's well being. i usually don't pray for myself, because my problems are not life threatening or anything. plus if i do ask for anything it's for more strength to deal with my problems, not to have them solved for me.

still don't feel a whole lot better afterwards. i walked through the uci campus, which may have been a mistake but i had to so i could get to my car. while walking through all i can think of was gretchen again. i was hoping that maybe my problem has been an entire nightmare and that i was still back in school, even though i dreaded school so much. this time i actually wanted to be back in school, back to the times where i was hanging out with gretchen again. i was actually dreaming that i would see her on campus and we'd run to eachother for a nice hug. ours hugs use to feel so good. like all the problems in this would would just disappear. i just wanted to keep hugging her forever and never let go. now i can barely look into her eyes since it makes her feel strange. such distance now.

trying to eat lunch, but its not going down. so i decided to blog some more. its interesting how the web can sometimes be a soothing therapy. i never really blogged about my feelings before because i always had gretchen to talk to, but these days i have my friends and the web. i can bother the web all i want, but i don't want to bother my friends too much seeing how they actually have real jobs unlike me.

oh yeah. albert lai messaged me while i was away at church. we had a nice little chat while i was trying to eat and all. it's comforting to chat with friends. its also great that friends will come out of no where to checkup on me every so often. i feel so blessed to have such great friends.

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jen is great. she kept me company and busy playing holdem online so i can clear my mind. she actually helped me transition from feeling sorrow and down to angry and motivated. i looked up the course requirements and application for cal state fullerton masters program... i plan to enroll for fall 06 if everything works out right. its only takes 22 months to complete! and! its online! how great is that. i would be getting my masters in software engineering. perfect for what i do.

the gym was a good workout. david always keeps me on track so i'm not cheating myself. we worked on shoulders and arms today. its nice to walk out of the gym with your shirt skin tight. no need to flex and your arms are solid. too bad that only lasts a couple hours. every workout session i'm learning correct ways to workout on various machines. its good to feel the burn without having to workout so much.

ahh yes. its 9.50pm. i just finished eating dinner. this time i actually finished it. its been what.. maybe almost a week since i've lost all my appetite and ambition for eating and gaining weight. hopefully this momentum keeps up. i've lost so much weight and down to 100 again. the barely eating one meal a day doesn't help. and the alcohol too i guess. at the end of this whole ordeal... i'll either destroy my liver or just build tollerance.

which reminds me... vegas tomorrow baby! david invited me to go with his friends since they have a free room at paris. i don't believe i've stayed there yet. i'm stoked and ready to go. we're going to gamble a lot the first day... if all goes well... we'll keep gambling away... the alternative plan if we lose though, is to hop on the party scene. i actually want to try out the party scene and hit the clubs up. i was thinking of taking a dance class along with my guitar class, but for this trip i'll wing it given enough alcoholic intake. oh. always wanted to try some e too. my friend tee and his group dropped some when they were in vegas last. turned out i missed that trip cause i went up north to visit you know who. that vegas trip was suppose to be rockin. oh well.

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called up eileen today since i saw her online on friendster. she doesn't usually hop online often. find out that her and her mba buddies were heading to vegas next week. interesting.. so guess what?! i'm heading to vegas next week also! its going to be all about clubbing and socializing next week. they plan on going to rain or ghost bar, maybe even a few clubs. looking at the pictures online, they all seem pretty cool. some have dance floors, which hopefully if i'm drunk enough i'll be out having some fun.

ended up playing cs with danny shortly after. bad day to play since i think my laptop was lagging a lot. i gave up playing around 1.30am since i was getting pretty tired... and i think my emotional down is kicking in again. decided to finish off today's post before i brush and get into bed. looking forward to vegas tomorrow. kinda... sigh...