my project made the front page this past sunday in the olympian paper. if you are looking for an amusing read, checkout the link here.
that's it for today's post. i'm actually pretty tired after my 3 mile run around capital lake.
actually i just looked up the distance since my coworkers and i were trying to make a guess. i guess we were all off... the distance was:
Capitol Lake Loop 4.95 Miles/7,950 Meters
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
another poem in progress
farewell
as light fades to darkness
so doth memories of a past love
reminiscence become forgotten dreams
farewell to my light
life entrenched in a sea of sound
astounding harmonics coalesce
music breathes life to words
farewell to compositions of antiquity
the tides of time pendulates
as the world continues moving
thoughts perpetually repugnant
farewall to my apocryphal imageries
as light fades to darkness
so doth memories of a past love
reminiscence become forgotten dreams
farewell to my light
life entrenched in a sea of sound
astounding harmonics coalesce
music breathes life to words
farewell to compositions of antiquity
the tides of time pendulates
as the world continues moving
thoughts perpetually repugnant
farewall to my apocryphal imageries
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
looks like one of those nights AGAIN...
been laying in bed since 9.45pm tossing and turning listening to music to distract myself to sleep only to find that i've found new meaning to most of the songs that came up on my shuffled playlist. its amazing how each song varies in complexity in terms of lyric composition, but none the less the ones that are not complex can also be appreciated for its subtle melody and trance.
tonight i'm going to change it up from the last time i blogged. this time i'm going to watch a movie that my coworker brought for me. the last movie he lent me to watch was well performed and scripted. the simpleness of the movie is a masterpiece in itself. for those reading my blog and want to watch something more meaningful and yet fun at the same time, give 'big night' a try. now a days tv has a bunch of shit playing anyhow, but hey, to each his own. watch what you want to watch. who am i to criticize your taste in entertainment. fuck the critics that tell you otherwise.
now playing... crimes and misdemeanors.
good fucking night for those that can sleep. cheers to those staying up all morning with me.
... 2 hours later ...
holy fuckin aye. how is it that i haven't watched crimes and misdemeanors before. woody allen is a genious. of course i'm speaking subjectively, but none the less. religion, if you believe whole heartedly is a great constraint in life if you think of it as creating bounds moral judgement. without it... men and women can rationalize ANYTHING to be their absolute truth. as most of you already know, good and bad are words that are relative so i don't have to lecture you on it.
people like woody allen's charactor who live in the ideal world always seem to get fucked. the ideal world is where most people WANT to live in, but it is reality that prevails in the end. i've found it extremely hard to live life ideally when i see happier people in the real world.
what i've also picked up in the movie as it was coming to a close, was this one statement... our life is the summation of the choices we've made in it. choices dictate behavior. human beings are great at lying to themselves... or you can say that we are great at rationalizing the TRUTH. we can make anything true once we convince ourselves to believe in how we act or what we say.
basic human instincts though, cannot be faked. humans are fucked up in that sense because most of the time our basic instincts contradict each other. take for example the intricate relationship between men and women. if or when you guys watch crimes and misdeanors, pay attention to and see if you can pick out the basic human instincts and how they contradict. if i give you any more hints other than that you'll be biased as to what you want to see, so watch it and tell me what you think. i can tell you that no matter how guys act or lead you into thinking how they want you to think, deep down there's more to it as well. i've also made a bias analysis
of women and for the most part it still holds true time after time.
i can spend my entire lifetime debating the matter, but is it worth it... to an openminded person there is no anwser and we'll be in constant turmoil searching for the answers. to a closeminded person, there may be no issue at all. ignorance IS bliss.
so why can't i ever have a decent nights rest anymore? or rather, rarely do i find good rest. i would continue reading my new book 'a brief history of time,' but that blows my mind away on another level. bah to both einstein and newton... why did they have to prove that we do not have absolute time nor space. the universe is a beautiful masterpiece. i believe we as humans have only scratched the surface to understanding the universe. without relativity, there would be no soft bounds to govern what most believe IS the truth. time can be bent just as light can be bent. there's so much more that i've learned from the book just from roughly reading 30 pages. it's amazing that stephen hawking can articulate such complex thoughts and theories into something us mortals can understand. i have SUCH an appreciation for artists, authors, poets, professors, etc.. whomever or whatever which can articulate so well and progress or advance the human mind.
sometimes i wish i was just an ignorant fuck. life would be much simplier... sigh.
it is now 4.37am relative to the time on my phone. going to read my book, but first i'm going to finish watching the jack johnson upside down video.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
one of those nights again
ok. has anyone seen that movie war games? if not...
Plot Outline: A young man finds a back door into a military central computer in which reality is confused with game-playing, possibly starting World War III
in case you still don't know... Matthew Broderick starred in the movie. if you still don't know, go look it up.
so why am i posting at 2 something AM even though i'm suppose to be sleeping. well... if you've watched the movie you should remember how it ended. basically the computer was fed conflicting information which threw it's computing cycles into an infinite loop. human thought is so complicated as to be conflicting at times as well.
right now my brain feels like imploding. i just want to put a gun to my head and make it stop. too bad it just doesn't have an off switch like computers. even a power cable or something. anything to allow me to sleep in piece.
i may as well describe what i'm thinking in hope that it allows me to sleep at some point when i'm dead tired. there's just so much i don't know exactly how to start.
i guess i'll start from just thinking of my last post. it got me thinking about relationships and what went wrong with mine. then i keep on thinking about HOW i should go about making my life better. which leads me to ask what exactly it is that i WANT to be better. i don't believe i ever came up with the answer to that except for simple things like my family's and friend's health. for myself though.. i can't think of anything that is not superficial. i want to be happy, but again i'm not sure what would make me happy.
sorry to disappoint you judy. remember that one time we were talking in your car about what i want. i lied. i never knew what i wanted. you were right. guys don't know what the fuck they want. for some reason, you're also correct in computer science guys being too sensitive. i think in our heads everything is thought of in terms of played out scenarios. like tonight... i have too many scenarios in my head, it feels like litterally a buffer overflow.
i'm trying to avoid using technical computer terms, but find it hard to describe what i feel since my vocabulary set is limited to what i know best. right now i'm still sitting in my dark hotel room. the lights are still off and all i can hear is the hard drive clicking with the frig in the background buzzing. i can hear droplets of water from the pipes between the walls.
so what was learned from war games and why did it come to mind? the point of the story was that after running all the war scenarios, the computer finally decided that the only winning move was NOT TO PLAY. i doubt that it could have determined that from the given logic we humans feed computers. we can transfer all the logic we want, but emotions can never be tranfered.
i'm beginning to realize that all those years i go around pretending not to care and being laid back is catching up with me now. there was ALWAYS a point where i cared. i just didn't vocalize my concerns except for those i chose were appropriate.
you would think that the thoughts i've describe above would be enough that goes on in my head... wrong. work... that's another beast in itself. just take the number of coworkers i have along with management, take the given situation of the project, factor in the clients, the process and methods, ALL the factors that affect the outcome of a project and run all possible scenarios of what could be done better, why we are at where we're at, and how can we move on from what we're given. try running that through your head and see if you can sleep well at nights.
which then leads me to my career. what am i doing now, why i am i doing what i do, and how should i move forward. the question i have is where do i want to move towards. again what, why, and how are easy answers once i figure out what i want. is this the thought that goes through most people's minds? if so than that's pretty fucked up. i never realized this sensation, or maybe i have. at one point i thought i knew exactly what i wanted in life. right NOW it's simple i guess. sleep. this post was suppose to allow me to get my thoughts out so i can get sleep. i know i have a good life... why don't i feel it though. why can't i just sleep...
Plot Outline: A young man finds a back door into a military central computer in which reality is confused with game-playing, possibly starting World War III
in case you still don't know... Matthew Broderick starred in the movie. if you still don't know, go look it up.
so why am i posting at 2 something AM even though i'm suppose to be sleeping. well... if you've watched the movie you should remember how it ended. basically the computer was fed conflicting information which threw it's computing cycles into an infinite loop. human thought is so complicated as to be conflicting at times as well.
right now my brain feels like imploding. i just want to put a gun to my head and make it stop. too bad it just doesn't have an off switch like computers. even a power cable or something. anything to allow me to sleep in piece.
i may as well describe what i'm thinking in hope that it allows me to sleep at some point when i'm dead tired. there's just so much i don't know exactly how to start.
i guess i'll start from just thinking of my last post. it got me thinking about relationships and what went wrong with mine. then i keep on thinking about HOW i should go about making my life better. which leads me to ask what exactly it is that i WANT to be better. i don't believe i ever came up with the answer to that except for simple things like my family's and friend's health. for myself though.. i can't think of anything that is not superficial. i want to be happy, but again i'm not sure what would make me happy.
sorry to disappoint you judy. remember that one time we were talking in your car about what i want. i lied. i never knew what i wanted. you were right. guys don't know what the fuck they want. for some reason, you're also correct in computer science guys being too sensitive. i think in our heads everything is thought of in terms of played out scenarios. like tonight... i have too many scenarios in my head, it feels like litterally a buffer overflow.
i'm trying to avoid using technical computer terms, but find it hard to describe what i feel since my vocabulary set is limited to what i know best. right now i'm still sitting in my dark hotel room. the lights are still off and all i can hear is the hard drive clicking with the frig in the background buzzing. i can hear droplets of water from the pipes between the walls.
so what was learned from war games and why did it come to mind? the point of the story was that after running all the war scenarios, the computer finally decided that the only winning move was NOT TO PLAY. i doubt that it could have determined that from the given logic we humans feed computers. we can transfer all the logic we want, but emotions can never be tranfered.
i'm beginning to realize that all those years i go around pretending not to care and being laid back is catching up with me now. there was ALWAYS a point where i cared. i just didn't vocalize my concerns except for those i chose were appropriate.
you would think that the thoughts i've describe above would be enough that goes on in my head... wrong. work... that's another beast in itself. just take the number of coworkers i have along with management, take the given situation of the project, factor in the clients, the process and methods, ALL the factors that affect the outcome of a project and run all possible scenarios of what could be done better, why we are at where we're at, and how can we move on from what we're given. try running that through your head and see if you can sleep well at nights.
which then leads me to my career. what am i doing now, why i am i doing what i do, and how should i move forward. the question i have is where do i want to move towards. again what, why, and how are easy answers once i figure out what i want. is this the thought that goes through most people's minds? if so than that's pretty fucked up. i never realized this sensation, or maybe i have. at one point i thought i knew exactly what i wanted in life. right NOW it's simple i guess. sleep. this post was suppose to allow me to get my thoughts out so i can get sleep. i know i have a good life... why don't i feel it though. why can't i just sleep...
response to judy's post
judy! i wanted to comment on your post, BUT its on myspace! i deleted my account so i can't comment!
so in regards to your two statements... "if you love something, set it free" and "if it was meant to be"
how naive was i when i thought those things. i agree with your assessment completely! i realized that i had doubts myself about my relationship, but didn't want to hole heartedly admit it. i guess it was easier to feel comfortable with what i had at the time. right now my set goal is to find someone that can challenge me, both mentally and physically. i've always been a person that likes a to debate (not argue) issues that matter in the world. what i've noticed this weekend hanging out with david is that some people just care too much about what others are doing. i mean who the fuck cares what so and so are doing in hollywood. they don't directly affect how i live or how the world can be improved. when it comes to sports, my tool for stress relief, i need someone to be at my level or preferably better. having someone that is better than me is ideal since that's the only way i get better myself. i guess that philosophy also applied to being challenged mentally.
so if you really ever loved someone, who the fuck would really let go of something that great? if you do... ask yourself why and you'll find a simple anwser.
and yes! if it was meant to be, is a statement that we only look back upon. everything that we said that was meant to be is applied in hindsight. things are only meant to be if i work at it. if you apply it to couples.. then its things "we" have to work on.
and here's a quote that came to me as i stare at code all day. it sounds like a mastercard commercial, but hey it's still true.
lessons learned in life...
some lessons are expensive, some come at no cost;
none the less, all lessons learned are pricesless in life.
so in regards to your two statements... "if you love something, set it free" and "if it was meant to be"
how naive was i when i thought those things. i agree with your assessment completely! i realized that i had doubts myself about my relationship, but didn't want to hole heartedly admit it. i guess it was easier to feel comfortable with what i had at the time. right now my set goal is to find someone that can challenge me, both mentally and physically. i've always been a person that likes a to debate (not argue) issues that matter in the world. what i've noticed this weekend hanging out with david is that some people just care too much about what others are doing. i mean who the fuck cares what so and so are doing in hollywood. they don't directly affect how i live or how the world can be improved. when it comes to sports, my tool for stress relief, i need someone to be at my level or preferably better. having someone that is better than me is ideal since that's the only way i get better myself. i guess that philosophy also applied to being challenged mentally.
so if you really ever loved someone, who the fuck would really let go of something that great? if you do... ask yourself why and you'll find a simple anwser.
and yes! if it was meant to be, is a statement that we only look back upon. everything that we said that was meant to be is applied in hindsight. things are only meant to be if i work at it. if you apply it to couples.. then its things "we" have to work on.
and here's a quote that came to me as i stare at code all day. it sounds like a mastercard commercial, but hey it's still true.
lessons learned in life...
some lessons are expensive, some come at no cost;
none the less, all lessons learned are pricesless in life.
Monday, April 03, 2006
soul searching weekend
i'm back from the land of the canucks after a weekend of soul searching. what an experience. now i can say that i can navigate most of the american northwest. well, not really most, but the major cities and downtown population. of course all that time on the road was good for reflection... reflection on my life and those around me.
if i were to begin my brain dump, this post would never end. so... lets begin by what's on my mind now and break life down into pieces. oh and by the way, if it sounds as if my post is a collection of lyrics, that just might be the case since driving all that distant requires lots of music so that i could keep myself sane.
so the strategy this weekend was to break my life into a collage. every piece was broken down and analyzed. hence that was when i figured out that my thought pattern is more complex than what i've claimed in the past. so let me begin by illustrating how i categorize my collage. basically i broke down my pieces as a captured snapshot. a time slice of significant events.
which was an interesting coincidence that david and i encountered a group of girls trying to perform an experiment for a project that they were working on. the objective of their project was to capture a 5 minute time slice of personal space on granville ave, which was downtown vancouver's busy street when it comes to bars. basically every other building on that street was a bar. so we talked to those girls asking what they expect to observe from this project. they really didn't give us a good explanation of their project, but i kinda figured what direction they wanted to go with it.
back from my tangent, i decided to take each piece of my collage and break them even further into human emotions and instincts. the field of behavior learning hypothesize that human instincts are behaviors that were not learned, but in fact innate. emotions then would be a composition of basic human instincts mixed with various life events. emotions control our quantifiable attributes such as fear, courage, pride, etc etc.
do you see where i'm going with my premous? this weekend has taught me that i can take control of my life. what i do defines who i am, but what i am also doesn't have to be what i have to live with forever. when i get away from my everyday life, it is much easier to break myself down to the basics. when that happens you can see yourself in a better light. what really matters though is how i want to change myself to get to where i want to be. execution is the key. which means what to me... leaving the past behind. life is living for the future. i've already set goals, which i've set aside for the past 5 years, but now its time to act on them.
imagine. that was maybe a 5 minute snapshot of what went on in my mind. now some of you can understand why i can't sleep most nights. driving lets me brainstorm to the point where i can't think of anything new i haven't thought about.
here's a fun thought though... picture your life mapped out on an equalizer. replace all the frequency dials with human attributes such as the ones described above, such as fear, courage, etc. the more attributes you can define the better you can adjust the noise wave... or your life. =) imagine being able to control the dials and say tune down your weakness like say fear. wouldn't that be a great idea? what if you find out that you can ALREADY do this?! easier said than done? yes, but it's definitely plausible.
i thought about this as i was looking at the DJ spinning at a club up in vancouver. it has to be THE loudest club i've been to so far. could have swarn my ears were bleeding or something since i could barely hear david after we left the club at 3am.
if i were to begin my brain dump, this post would never end. so... lets begin by what's on my mind now and break life down into pieces. oh and by the way, if it sounds as if my post is a collection of lyrics, that just might be the case since driving all that distant requires lots of music so that i could keep myself sane.
so the strategy this weekend was to break my life into a collage. every piece was broken down and analyzed. hence that was when i figured out that my thought pattern is more complex than what i've claimed in the past. so let me begin by illustrating how i categorize my collage. basically i broke down my pieces as a captured snapshot. a time slice of significant events.
which was an interesting coincidence that david and i encountered a group of girls trying to perform an experiment for a project that they were working on. the objective of their project was to capture a 5 minute time slice of personal space on granville ave, which was downtown vancouver's busy street when it comes to bars. basically every other building on that street was a bar. so we talked to those girls asking what they expect to observe from this project. they really didn't give us a good explanation of their project, but i kinda figured what direction they wanted to go with it.
back from my tangent, i decided to take each piece of my collage and break them even further into human emotions and instincts. the field of behavior learning hypothesize that human instincts are behaviors that were not learned, but in fact innate. emotions then would be a composition of basic human instincts mixed with various life events. emotions control our quantifiable attributes such as fear, courage, pride, etc etc.
do you see where i'm going with my premous? this weekend has taught me that i can take control of my life. what i do defines who i am, but what i am also doesn't have to be what i have to live with forever. when i get away from my everyday life, it is much easier to break myself down to the basics. when that happens you can see yourself in a better light. what really matters though is how i want to change myself to get to where i want to be. execution is the key. which means what to me... leaving the past behind. life is living for the future. i've already set goals, which i've set aside for the past 5 years, but now its time to act on them.
imagine. that was maybe a 5 minute snapshot of what went on in my mind. now some of you can understand why i can't sleep most nights. driving lets me brainstorm to the point where i can't think of anything new i haven't thought about.
here's a fun thought though... picture your life mapped out on an equalizer. replace all the frequency dials with human attributes such as the ones described above, such as fear, courage, etc. the more attributes you can define the better you can adjust the noise wave... or your life. =) imagine being able to control the dials and say tune down your weakness like say fear. wouldn't that be a great idea? what if you find out that you can ALREADY do this?! easier said than done? yes, but it's definitely plausible.
i thought about this as i was looking at the DJ spinning at a club up in vancouver. it has to be THE loudest club i've been to so far. could have swarn my ears were bleeding or something since i could barely hear david after we left the club at 3am.
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