it's friday again folks

ok. so i got up early to shower and washup at 9am. i forgot to mention in yesterday's post that i sent G an IM asking if she could spare a few minutes for me to say goodbye ti her before she goes back up to stockton. i'm going to miss her lots especially because we really didn't get to spend that much time together this break as i had planned. i had lots planned for us to do, but i didn't really tell G that before our inncendent. i figured she had a long stressful semester and needed a break away from school so we would have gone out to catch some snow, do some gambling in vegas, take longs drives together to SD and hangout, etc. all that was canned though after everything that happened.

instead i had to alter all my plans and spent time with my long lost friends. i have to admit i do enjoy their company and thank them so much for allowing me to intrude on their lives. =) thanks guys!

in the middle of writing this there was a knock on the door, which i assumed was gretchen, yes i said gretchen. i think i'm at a point where i can use her name again with. progress right? she came over for a visit as i had asked her to make an effort to. it was good i guess. we got a chance to talk a little more than we have in the past few weeks. i just wanted to assure that we can still remain friends even if she doesn't feel the same way about me as i did for her. such is life. the important outcome for me was that we remain good friends at the least.

as i told eileen last night... i see 2 happy endings. one, that gretchen and i are together again in the future. option one seems more fuzzy everyday, but hey remember i hate to give up even if it's a lost cause. option two, is that we have a future as great friends even if we are separated and with other people. i can live with option two, but prefer option one. again i can only do so much and push so far. i realize i can't force someone to feel the same way i do or how i want them to feel.

i'll leave that thought at that for now. these next few days will be very busy getting ready for the coming year. today i have to run tons of errands before the wedding reception i'm attending. still have my background check forms to fill out for work etc etc. didn't even have time to get in my morning excerise, but that was well worth it to be able to chat with grechen.

for now, i just want to let everyone know that i'll be ok. no need to worry that much about me because i know i should take care of myself first so that i can look forward to a happy future. there are many more memories to be made. just have to remember that i have to take both the good and the bad ones.

don't know if i'll have a chance to blog anymore today. so for now, i bid everyone ado until my next post. new days ahead...
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here is something i found for inspiration.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

------ author unknown

another restless night

so even after some alcohol indused sleep, i still end up tossing and turning all night. so here i am again bright and early posting this blog. i've always had a problem with shutting my brain off at nights, which is why i tend to sleep listening to music, but these days its impossible even with sleeping aide.

what is it about fate and destiny that irks me? i use to think that i should let life runs it course cause everyone is destined for something in life. the more i think about that the more i think that was just a lazy way of going through life. its easier to believe that fate will run its course and that everything will be fine in the end. its much harder to except responsibilities in life and shape destiny the way you want to see it.

i'm sick and tired of sitting around and waiting for fate. this post is to remind me of that message and that i should try my best to create my own destiny regardless of the obstacles in my path. will this plan work? of course its not guaranteed and there are risks associated with plan, but i say its worth those risks. the largest rewards in life usually involves high risk decisions and actions. that's a fact proven over and over by all the success stories that we hear about. i have to keep in mind that behind those success stories are also failures. the trick though is not to look at them as failures, but as learning experiences which provides value and opportunities for growth.
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as an update as to what i'll be doing in 2006, i'm going to start working up in olympia, washington starting january 3rd. i'll be travelling back and forth every week and hopfully i get to meet all my friends while travelling still. that's the one part i'll miss the most if i start to get consumed with work, which i'm hoping is not the case.

david, i'm gonna miss your company man. you've been hanging out with me every day for golf and working out. hopefully you'll take me up on my offer of free stay up in washington and come visit so we can hangout at the company's expense. =) i'm already picturing us hanging out at the local internet cafes and hopefully we can find a 24hr fitness too cause i don't want to be out of routine. i have a goal of reaching 120 lbs in 2006 and i'm falling behind because of all the issues going on.
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to finish off the post for today, i spent the evening with my friend eileen. first we headed off to the block to pickup tickets for our new years event. then we had dinner in westminster before heading back to a long night of watching the first season of 24. the show is good, but a bit slow in the beginning. after a while there were more complex plots than you could probably remember all at once. i think we ended on disk 2 with one more episode to go. each disk has 4 episode that run an hour long each, even though they seem longer than that. =)

finally we tried to head to sleep, but i don't think we were THAT tired yet. ended up talking for over an hour about things. i'll leave it at that for now, which also ended the night.

can't sleep

so i'm starting my post early today in case i don't get to put in an entry like yesterday. plus the fact that i can't sleep at all so i may as well do something constructive. as a note to myself, remember to pickup some tranquilnite from mother's market.

lately i haven't been able to sleep very well. i always have dreams or thoughts that just take over my mind while i'm trying to rest and all the activities just overwhelm my head. right now i'm wide awake and not tired at all even though i think my brain is processing a gaming algorithm as i type. its almost like a run away process that i can't stop. sounds nerdy huh? that's my world and that's the only way i know how to describe it.

so what gaming tree am i processing? i think its life and all the possible decisions i could have should have made type of tree. i've process all the possible scenarios that i can think of over the past few weeks. there have been lots of mistakes that i've chosen, and i think i know the consequences yet i don't care most of the time. other mistakes i wish i could take back, but life moves onward. so why do i keep looking back in the past?

i've always been a person that says i should live looking towards the future and learn from the past. these past few weeks i've been living in the past and not looking forward to opportunities in the future. why can't i get my head out of the past and move on? i mean i can write it down in words, even think about it, so why is it so hard. everyone keeps on telling me it takes time. i wish i can speed things up, but at the same time i'm afriad of life passing me by. i want life to be simple again like i use to think of it. nothing in life is simple i guess.
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merry christmas!

i had the usual year again kinda. came home for church with my faimly yesterday. this year we didn't go to the same church, instead we went to a much smaller one in long beach. i must say, i liked the small one better. less of the nonsense we have at our local church. plus i think the fact that i didn't have to stand and it wasn't crowded made it much better.

after church my mom prepared dinner for us which i must say i finished fast this time. i always like my mom's cooking. can't wait to move my parents next year when the housing prices come down. my brother and i are going to both chip in for their house, but i don't think we'll be living with them. =) i don't mind coming over everyday for dinner though. hehe.

today my parents drove to santa ana to pickup lobster, crab, and various foods which we each love to eat. my sis woke up early to head to work and us boys just slept in till 1 something. we're lazy huh. =) shortly after i finished washing up and came out, my parents were already home and had food all prepared on the table ready for us to eat. perfect timing. i guess by now they know when we usually wake up. poor parents, always waiting to eat with us pretty late.

after eating kenny and i started up some counter-strike. man. i was on a roll. top of my team too. then danny came in. ;) that bum. =) once he came in my ratio just shot to hell. hehe. but i have more fun playing with friends rather than if i had done well. i think i'm the type of person that just enjoys the company. i don't really care how i'm doing. i just like the yelling and cursing and to have someone listen to me. ;)

you know... now that i think about it... i'm really an attention whore. i enjoy getting attention, bad or good it doesn't really matter. everthing i do up to this point demands attention. as much as i kept telling gretchen not to worry about what others think and to do what makes you happy, i don't really live by those words. although i guess what makes me happy and getting attention go hand in hand.

i use to think that i was a simple person, that i'm always happy. the reality of it all is that i'm a pretty complex emtional wreck. i may be more moody deep down than gretchen may seem to be. i use to think gretchen was very moody, but i guess i just hide mine a little better. so what does that make me? i don't know anymore. i use to think i know what i want in life. life is so dynamic that my wants constantly change. success to me is not monetary, but valued at finding a special someone and having a happy family.

lots of changes have taken place this past year. i keep telling myself that things with turn out for the best. one day i will look back and actually believe it.
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my nightmares

last night i had two most horrible nightmares. i think before that i've only had one and that was the death of my youngest brother. i don't even want to think about that one. i can remember crying so hard and drained of so much energy that i could barely wake up from it.

ok so the first nightmare pretty lead in from another dream that was a bit happier, but i forget the details of that one. so i end up on a passenger ship with one of my silhouette friend. the reason he's a silhouette is because i actually don't remember who or even if i knew him in the first place. so we're having fun manning the ship and getting people around to their destination where ever that was.

we were at one of the destination points and some guys started to get routy (sp?). one jumped into the water and procedes to swim. his friend looking drunk as hell tried to jump in also, but ended up landing on the ship deck still. all of a at the corner of my eye, i saw this huge shark. i mean HUGE. so i was just about to yell shark when i turned looking into the waters and i realize there were more people in the water. what a mess. someone got to yelling shark before i did. i was looking at the remainder of the passengers standing around.. suddenly i caught a glimps of gretchen in the crowd. our eyes saw each other and it was a weird moment of silent and awkwardness. almost like time had frozen even if for just a few seconds.

after our stares broke, i looked over at the crowd and saw that people were helping pull others out of the water.. i can remember one guy with a missing leg because it had been bitten off. it was a bloody site. others were yelling for their loved ones that they could no longer see. i kinda had a feeling that they wouldn't see them again if they had disappeared for that long under water. it was a really sad feeling.. i think after i tried to help and get the rest of the people out of the water.. i wanted to run over to gretchen to see if she was ok. i ran around the ship yelling her name.. deep down i felt something was wrong already. i kept yelling for her and had my so called friend do the same. we made several rounds back and forth on the ship and yet she was no where to be found.

i calmed myself down a bit after all that yelling and chaos. i looked off the edge of the ship where some people took off their garmets and stuff before they went into the water. i noticed that the clothes that gretchen had on was also on the side of the ship. at this point my heart just sunk and my chest felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on it. that deep down feeling i had early finely hit. i feel to my knees screaming my lungs out... gretchen! i was screaming soooo loud i blocked out any surrounding sounds. that was hard considering all the chaos still happening on the ship. my friend was trying to calm me down. he had informed me that some passengers saw her jumping into the water to rescue her dad. both of them never made it back up.

i was soaked in tears and my entire body was trembling. i don't know what else went on after that, but i think that woke me up at one point. i can remember my body trembling in bed as i woke. i was also in a lot of sweat. must have been from all the activities of screaming and running around in the dream. i hope i wasn't really yelling gretchen in my sleep also because that would scare eddie from across the way whom is resting up for this morning's 7 hour drive up north.

so that was the first nightmare i had for the night... and yet there's also another one in the same night. two top most worst nightmares in one night...

the second nightmare isn't as active as the first, but symbolically and emotionally on the same level. this one really doesn't have a story or at least one that i can remember... all i remember is that i was at some wedding. there were a bunch of little events that went on during the wedding, but i don't think they are relevant to the outcome. so why was this a nightmare when i'm attending a wedding? it should be a happy day right?

well here's where the nightmare begins. after the wedding, i realized in the dream that i was attending gretchen's wedding! she had just married some silhouette guy. he was not relevant either. i think the sad part was when i tried to talk to her at the end of the ceremony, she was very formal, for lack of a better word. like if i was an unknown guest and she was just being polite.

i realized that that's how we may end up instead of the close friends that we use to be. i think that's what i'm most sad about these days. i really miss her company more than the fact of having her as a girlfriend. i miss talking to by best friend. the wedding was really not important to me as much as the fact that i just lost my best friend. the best friend that seemed like my soulmate through thick and thin. even if we're not a couple all i wanted was for us to remain friends. up till now i'm most fearful of that feeling. symbolically its as though she really did die, like in my first dream. the same sensation runs through me. again my body is hot in sweat and trembling.

i think i see it clearly now. i don't need to be gretchen's boyfriend or husband or anything like that. the part i missed most was our conversations and her company. i could tell her anything without the fear of being judged. she always listened to my issues and kept me balanced. right now i think i'm lacking that balance in life. we don't talk anymore or even hangout. the one day she came over to pickup my letter, i felt like someone put a brick wall between us. all i wanted was to climb that wall just for a little hug. i understand how important those hugs are to gretchen now. she was always happy when we've had our hugs. there's just a feeling of comfort in that its saying we'll always be there for each other, a couple or not.

its friday!

i had an orthodontics appointment today at 10am. so i had to try and wake up at 9 so that i could shower and washup before i left. it was a bit hard to get up since i came home at 3am in the morning and probably didn't sleep till 4.30 or 5am. for some reason i was thinking about the dance classes i wanted to signup for and was wondering if they had something on the internet as well. so i stayed up for a bit surfing the web for dance videos and what not. only problem was the only links i found were selling videos rather than having them downloadable. oh well.

so then i stumbled onto this one nice site that has links to music videos direct from the artists or producers themselves. it's such a great site so i stayed up even longer viewing some of their music videos online. which lead me to upgrading my ipod today! i had danny order me a video ipod to replace my photo ipod. =) at least i'm kinda back to my normal self again. buying things somewhat makes me happy again i guess. i can't wait to get it. so i can download all those music videos from the site i found and put them on the ipod. it'll work great with the lcd monitor in my car when i'm out driving!

whoa. already thursday.

guess i didn't get to finish yesterday's post since i was so wasted last night. after working out i got back to shower and grab a quick bite before heading out to club bleu. good thing eddie was out DD or else i wouldn't be writing this post today. david, kent, and myself all drank so we were in no condition to drive back. so last night i only downed 3 drinks. 2 redbull and yegamiester and 1 jack and coke. i don't think that eating only dumplings before that helped. oh yeah eileen showed up after a little bit and stayed for maybe half an hour or so because she had work the next morning. she said she felt a little underdressed being in work clothes and all and all the girls in the club were dressed in their clubbing attire. oh yeah... did i mention i attempted to dance again. only for a few minutes though. maybe 2 songs. we left the club at closing which was around 2. got back and drank tons of water to sober up some and headed to sleep.
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oh yeah. this song is for jen and danny. =)

Pussycat Dolls - Stickwitu

Provided by VideoCodes4U.com

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so tonight i drove in traffic all the way to alhambra. it was actually a soothing drive eventhough i sat in traffic. i love long drives now. i would love it even more without traffic, but hey, no complaints. at least i got to drive. its just another thing people take for granted.

this time i got over to eileen's and judy's place without getting lost. =) BUT no one was home since judy was still at work and eileen went running. she was actually pretty damn far from home. she ran like 10 miles! ack! so when i called she was somewhere in pasadena by judy's work. i ended up driving over there to pick her up and then we decided to give judy a visit at work. =) you have to see where she works.. one would never be able to imagine a place like that.

so we got over to judy's workplace. she came out to let us in and we looked at the lab she works in and her cubicle. she also showed us a bit of code that she was working on. hehe. what a nerd. ;) i haven't worked with c/c++ in such a long time i feel so stupid looking at it now. =( so while we where there we talked judy into going to dinner with us. yay. more people to hangout with for dinner! i hate eating alone. its not as fun.

judy took us to the cheesecake factory to eat. yummm. of course i never make it to desert. =( while we were waiting we walked around and went into an apple store. browsed around a bit looking at the new ipods and their nice huge monitor screens in the store.

so lets see, i don't want to summerize the night so i have to move along. while we were eating, we were talking about things in life. friends. relationships. past. future. etc. etc. and oh yeah! i finished my jumbo shrimp and angel hair pasta! that's rare. so after dinner eileen and i went back to watch a dvd since we were both too tired to go out to watch a movie. i was suppose to help her rearrange her room, but that never happened either. =) tired. hehe.

so we watched kingdom of heaven with orlando bloom. ooooo. girls go crazy for him. i don't blame them. =) it was a good movie. always gets me thinking why there are so many wars caused my holy people in the world. its like there always a crusade for war rather than peace. i guess in our human nature... maybe peace is too boring? what ever the case, one day we'll all just nuke each other and that'll be the end of that. ok. enough about religious people. they make me sad when i think about them.

another restless night

man. another night of tossing and turning. shouldn't have listened to death cab for cutie before sleeping. brought back memories from the past two-three weeks. i love that CD too. oh well. i hope we go to their concert for new years so that i can make new memories of their songs. old ones are too painfull.
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so the plan this new years eve is New Year's Eve at Grand Pavilion at The Giant Village NYE 2006. so far kent, eileen, amy, and myself are in for VIP passes so we can party into the new year in style. i have less than a couple days to see who else wants to go so anyone reading this can call me so i can get a head count.
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hey hey

wow. got in 10+ hrs of sleep. i was dead tired from working out last night that after i ate and went out for a nice drive, i went straight to sleep. usually my drive wakes me up since i like to drive with all the windows down so its cold and then i have the heater on full blast also. if no one has tried doing that yet, i definitely recommend it. if you don't like driving... call me up. =) i'm always up for a drive anywhere these days. the longer the trip, the better actually.

ok so today eileen wants me to choose what movie to watch and where to eat dinner. hmmm. what do i want to watch.

oh yeah. i bought several CDs yesterday. let me get the lyrics to the one i kept playing over and over by switchfoot.

Stars by Switchfoot

Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same

I've been thinkin' maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast and maybe
All my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinkin' 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself

Stars looking at our planet,
Watching entropy and pain
And maybe startin' to wonder
How the chaos in our lives could pass as sane

I've been thinkin' 'bout the meaning of resistance
Of a hope beyond our own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent
Began to look like home

I've been thinkin' 'bout everyone, everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself

Everyone, everyone you feel so lonely
Everyone, ya everyone you feel so empty
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars,
When I look at the stars
I feel like myself
When I look at the stars, the stars
I see someone







Switchfoot - Stars


Provided by VideoCodes4U.com

This is my new cruising song. =)

i had a good evening today. got to go out for some fresh air. watched "family stone" with my friend eileen. oh, i so want a family like the stone's. everyone is so close to each other with a little bit of madness. i'm just a sucker for those moments.

it was great talking to eileen. i haven't had a chance to do so in a long time. i love talking to friends these days since i feel that we have lots to say, but never had the chance to before. i will forever cherish these moments my friends spend with me these days and hopefully the feeling with continue.

looking forward to tomorrow. going to hangout with tee and his group of crazy, but good friends. i invited david and eileen to come along and see for themselves. both seem like they are going to go. i hope they enjoy tomorrow too. hehe. tee has this one friend marvin who is great at singing those old school rap and hip hop.

till tomorrow!

wonderful mondays

since when has mondays been so wonderful. hmm. since i'm on vacation and i have nothing to do but shop, eat, golf, and workout. =)

today i wokeup at noon. showered and brushed of course. looked forward to CD shopping which ended up great. i picked up a couple for G and a few for me. :-D music always sooths the soul and mind. oh yeah. i also signed up for music lessons today. i'm on a waiting list for the next classes starting in january. hopefully i get in cause i want to complete that class so i can move onto guitar lessons.

this year my goal is to commit to prior years goals. ;) not too hard right? hehe. well. this is a start. i'm also half way done applying for my masters in software engineering. oh and dancing... i definitely want to learn more and get better at that. clubbin vegas was sooooo fun. oh and while i'm doing all this... i will be putting on more weight in muscle mass! so far i like the results. my shirts look a lot nicer ever since my arms are swelling up to fill in the sleeves. =)

oh yeah. i'm chatting with jen while i'm writing.. hehe. she's so funny. i'm really glad to have her as my friend. =) love you jen! i promise you'll get to see me dancing once i get the courage to dance sober. ;)

back from vegas.. again!

ok we be back from vegas. my 2nd weekend in a row going to vegas. this one was diffintely a different experience. let me give thanks again to eileen and judy for having me along. i would also like to thank amy for being so friendly this weekend. being the only guy in the room felt a little weird, but at least i knew eileen and judy so it wasn't toooo weird.

i had lots of fun with these crazy girls. running down the strip from the mirage to cvs pharmacy in the stinking cold weather... well.. that was good exercise. too bad i wasn't in my tennis shoes! and you made my alcohol wear off! sheesh. oh oh. and there was no alcohol in cvs for those of you who want to try getting some next time. =) just thought i'd share that info so anyone reading won't make the same mistake we did. hehe.

ok so our first night there we checked out club tangerine. that was a blast. after getting myself some jack and coke, the girls were able to drag me out on the dance floor. oh man.. i think i'm addicted to dancing now. i'm not good, but it was sooooooo fun. made me wish i took some dance classes while i was back in college. but you know, it's never too late. so i'm going to look for classes to take. i want to go out dancing more this year.

so back to the dance floor. man. girls have it so easy. guys come up and just start dancing with them. most of the time you get weirdos, but that's not too bad since they can just move away or ignore the guy. for guys its a bit harder to find a girl unless you're one of those weird creeps. girls also have no cover charges and they get in special lines... bleh... =p i'm not bitter. i guess that's the least that i can endore considering girls do have it rough with the child baring and monthly bloody mess. yuck.

so on saturday the girls and i went to checkout club pure at caesar's palace. the line was a friggin nightmare. ppl were correct telling us that it was a 2 hour line. the front door guy told the girls that if it were just them they would have no cover and they could go to another special line that really moved fast. as judy was proceding to get in the regular line i was thinking... that's crazy. why should they wait in line with me for 2 hours while they can get in sooner. i told her that they should go in first and that i would wait in line since i was also waiting for my roomie eddie cause he was also going to come checkout the club.

so here we go, cutting the story short, the girls went in. eddie came shortly after with oliver and then oliver's friends came along too. we stood there for maybe over half and hour and decided it wasn't worth this long wait since we still had to pay cover even with them stupid VIP passes. i think the guy was just an ass since i think the passes do say no cover or line charge. fucking asshole. we took off to the shadow lounge instead. that's where i got wasted with drinks. i must have had 4-5 drinks. after a while i just lost track. thank goodness oliver's friends gave me a ride back to the mirage which was around the corner because i wouldn't have been able to walk back. i felt like throwing up after all those drink, but... that never happened. =) yay. i was able to hold my liquor. i'm kinda proud that i can take so many drinks and didn't have a hangover. i think one more drink would have done the trick though.

this weekend i learned a few things about girls. i won't share them here since i might get beat up. ;) but girls are an interesting breed. not to say that guys aren't, but since i'm a guy my thoughts are a bit biased. anyhow, i think i'll end this post now. looking forward to the future.

ah yes... good morning!

=) i'm feeling good today. its friday and i'm heading to vegas. this weekend i changed the theme of drinking to drown my sorrows with celebrating and toasting to great friends all around me. this extends all the way to china for the ray also and also to thailand for the girlie boy kano over there. oh almost forgot my black friend vacationing in egypt! i'm waiting to smoke some more hookah with you buddy. ;)

cheers guys! may we all stick together as close friends and never ever let our friendship fade. i feel so much closer to everyone and hope that feeling never goes away! have a great weekend guys!

good morning

as you can tell from the title, i'm starting off the day like how i ended the night, on a good note. i had an 8.30am call this morning and it was refreshing to wake up early. today i have set really really short term goals like getting my tires changed and realign my wheels. ever since i spent all that time during the summer to upgrade my car, i never had the chance to realign it so my rear tires, being fairly new, are now completely bald yet again. this friday i'm driving judy and myself up to vegas and i don't want safety to get in the way of us spending good times together along with eileen and her mba friends and mr eddie and his friend oliver.

which reminds me, that's two nights in a row i didn't have to rely on my jack to allow me to sleep. =)

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don't have to much to blog about today. i got my new tires and an alignment so that i can drive judy and myself to vegas safely. jerry took off half the day to spend some time with me and keep me company. thanks jerry! we went to go eat lunch at wahoo's in costa mesa since i dropped my car off at the america's tire store there. oh, i also was in the mood for some shopping over at the urban outfitters in the anit-mall strip across the street from where i dropped off my car too. =) me and my ipod and clothes. feels great to feel good again. i was always a content person before, but i have even more to look forward to these days. my problems look smaller and smaller each day. well at least one of the problem. i still worry about my brother's health. right now i'm praying that he stay's healthy with no complications and that he will out live me of course.

i remember telling eileen the other night that i want to be able to see my first nephew or niece from any of my siblings.. of course not kenny yet since he is still young. =) but i hope that my sibling will find the special person they can spend the rest of their lives with so i can come over and be a great uncle one day. ;)

as i hung out at jerry's place, i kept thinking how lucky jerry has it. of course he's been through some rough patches himself.. like twice! but again his situation was different from mine, just like everyone else. to jerry and peggy, may your love flourish forever and may you grow deeper and deeper in love for each other everyday. same goes for all my married and coupled friends out there. i wish you guys only the best in life. appreciate what you have and don't spend too much time worrying about material gains. of course it would make your lives easier, but just remember you've got someone you love to share your experiences with.

restless nights

last night, i don't even know what time, i wokeup with tears running down my eyes. even while i'm suppose to be sleeping and not thinking about anything my emotions run wild. if someone had told me how painful breaking up with someone would be, i couldn't have imagined that it would be this painful.

waking up was hard today. i just wanted to keep sleeping. i know its not good for me, just as everything else i've been doing, but its the easy way out. as much as i want to be a stronger person or think that i was at one point, emotionally i'm a wreck. i think over the years G has broken down my protective barrier.

had a conference call at 1pm today. apparently my project manager and the team lead didn't know i was scheduled for vacation after this week till the end of the year. they had some work they wanted to give. so the compromise is that i helped them with some of the work they had intended for me up until friday. i think the vegas friday trip will be well needed. this time no gambling though.

...

overall the day went pretty good. keeping myself busy kinda does the trick. eileen kept me company for lunch and dinner. we also attempted to do some shopping at fashion island, but i'm still not really in the mood to shop these days even for myself. material objects just don't cut it anymore.

so we ended up chatting over life and relationships at the starbucks. instead of just my problems, we also talked about eileen's issues and views. i think it feels a bit soothing to be able to move away from what i'm face with what others have gone through in life. a lot of my friends have gone through rough patches in their lives and i don't think i ever had the chance to talk to them about it before.

for instance eileen. i always saw her as carefree and very self motivated, independent, and always content. most of the time she does feel that, but she also mention that just because she seems like that doesn't mean that she doesn't want someone special in her life as well. in life people view success in many forms. to some, success is very simple. you achieve all your goals such as degrees, career, and independence. some, like me, think of success as just being able to make ends meet and maybe being able to save as well but also being able to share my life experiences with a special person, no matter my state the degrees i've obtained or my job etc. basically i'd rather choose love over money and wealth. there are obviouly more views on success and we can go on forever but these two are the most common i believe. of course if you were kris and reading this... you would probably measure success spiritually and beyond our human form.

so what is my point? well... why can't we combine the two most common success i see above? i believe that's because they conflict with each other. if you are career oriented and want to become successful in that manner, how can you invest enough time into that special person you want to share your life with... sure, you would think that that is possible and i'm sure a lot of people out there are trying, and to them i applaud cause i assume its not easy. i believe that a great and lasting relationship takes lots of work and if you want to be career oriented that goes against your career goals because career people are work-a-holics. you work extremely hard to climb the ladders and build your credentials putting aside certain goals. sometimes even putting aside time for yourself to live life to the fullest. of course i some people will say otherwise because living your life to the fullest is subjective.

ok so i didn't have a point in all that. just an insight into my views on how different people measure success in life. so how do you view success?

sigh...

another day. last night i had to go out for a breather. eddie and i met up with eileen over at D&B's for some dinner, drinking, and pool. i wished that i could say that it made me feel better, but still no luck. these recent days are some of the most difficults days of my life. my drinking tends to wear off faster these days too, which means its more expensive if i keep going at this rate. at least i was tired enough from drinking that i got some sleep in.

today i'm going to go out for lunch with judy in irvine. she's back on her night shifts for work so she doesn't have to go to work till 5pm. i'm glad i at least have someone to eat lunch with today. its not that great eating by myself. sigh...

...

just thought i'd blog a little before some sleep. today turned out to be pretty good. after lunch and hanging out with judy i felt somewhat better. i think days where i talk to friends or especially when i hangout with a friend i can deal with my problems more easily. friendship is a precious gift. i'm glad to be surrounded by caring friends that want me to get better. i'll remember this guys. you will always be in my heart and i wish all you guys only the happiest moments in life.

here's a special message to you kris. don't feel that i avoided telling you because i dislike you or want to distance myself from you. its just difficult to communicate my problems with you these days since you've been away. i understand that you needed to be away in order to sort things out yourself. i appreciate you wanting to help me through this difficult time. i think in time i will heal and look back on this as another lesson in life. understand though, that at the moment its just hard to deal with on certain days. somedays like today when i can hangout with friends it helps a lot, but i don't want to be a burden everyday even if everyone says otherwise. i don't want to bring anyone down with me.

hopefully tomorrow will be another successful day. i'll never know how i wakeup feeling. i just take it a day at a time. eileen is going to meet me tomorrow for ramen. just so long as i don't eat alone. i hate eating alone and looking at others enjoying their lunch with others around them. i was looking forward to spending time with G a lot more this winter break, but i guess that took a complete 180. hopefully one day we can talk again. i just don't know how much we'll talk though since i was able to tell G everything. now it just won't be the same. i thought once that us being friends would be ok. to be honest, i don't know how this will play out.

well. goodnight for now. any day i can sleep without the help of alcohol is good.

another day of therapy

today was another hard day to deal with. got woken up by a message on my laptop from my coworker. before i left for the weekend i had these 2 defects i'd needed to fix before today. didn't really feel like working on them last week or when i returned from vegas so i just let them be till this morning. see.. i have my laptop read my messages as it comes in and i had it connected to my home stereo so of course its like a really loud alarm.

so today i wokeup at 9am. verified that one defect wasn't really a defect and i fixed the other one which was just to provide a stupid message. anyhow, as i was working my dad gives me a call. i was suppose to meet up with him today at the hospital and see how my grampa was doing. apparently he had to go into the hospital this weekend because water is building up in his brain. this is the grampa i didn't really get a chance to get close to since my grandparents came over here when i was high school. not only was that the case, but my grampa developed alzheimer's. i still went to visit out of respect.

as i got there i think it hit me that i felt remorse for not having to get closer to my grampa. i mean i had opportunities in high school, but i think our relationship was more formal. now i look at him in his hospital bed and a wild rush of so many thoughts came into my head. everything i went through these past few months just overwhelmed me.

i walked out of the hospital totally dazed. right now i just have so many strong feelings that i'll have to save for another day to think things over. after the hospital visit i stopped by to grab a quick lunch at carl's, came home tried to eat and it took me pretty long just to finish a simple spicy chicken sandwich. i ordered just that and a shake and right now the shake sits in front me without a sip out of it yet. the rest of the afternoon i kinda wanted to just sleep away. so i took a long nap and for some reason my body felt really hot like it had a fever. that's why i'm up again right now blogging this in case i go back to sleep for good.

i just don't want to deal with today.

back from vegas

ok so i'm back from vegas this week. i think i'm booked to be in vegas every weekend this year. so as far as our trip went this time, i was mostly still depressed everytime my alcohol ran out. i drank more than my usual share of jack and coke this weekend to the point where i could wakeup with the taste of jack and coke in my mouth. no throwing up though, so that was good. i saw some guy there pretty fucked up. he must have lost tons of money or going through relationship problems. looked like his friends were there helping him back to his room, so i assumed maybe relationship problems. i don't think he looked like the addicted gambler type.

so get this... we get to our hotel paris, dropped off our stuff and went straight down for drinks and some pregambling. i think the combination of drinking and my personal problems was not a good mix with gambling. i mean you bet like you don't really care that it was your money that you just lost. the amount is a bit skewed in my head. david's friend hao, this pharmacist is a pretty high roller. in the past when i went with my friend's from college we usually don't play that erratically. this time i decided to give me luck another try with the roulette tables and i was placing bets with hao. seeing how david told me his friend has won lots of money in vegas i figured i'd follow the ways these guys play.

hao sees this one table with pretty much all reds so far, so he figures black has to hit next... i believe this was the same tactic G and i used once at the palms where we lost 150 i believe... so we both place 40 on black. actually.. we were late for the first bet and to our surprise it came up red again. we were happy that we walked over there kinda slow and missed out on that one since we would have lost. so the next round we place our bets on black. 40 each person. again red shows up... we were talking aboue doubling up to 80 on black again to make our money back and be on top, but i forget why we went with 60 on black... again red! we're like fuck.. ok. there are soo many reds up now that this NEXT one HAS to be black. our next bet was 80 per person on black. and guess what this time.. we still got fucked. so ok. now we're kinda like.. that's a lot of money we lost in a couple minutes of just our prgambling in vegas.. we're going to get that damn money back. we made another bet, 160 each and this HAD to be our hand. guess what... we got screwed yet ANOTHER time!

now we're looking at each other... i don't think hao was thinking the same thing i was because we were both playing on a different level. he's a pharmacist working 72 hour weeks, of course its every other week but still, living at home with his parents still to save money. here i am making chump change compared him trying to place bets that i normally wouldn't have. AND i only had 100 left which was suppose to be my buffer for food and what not for our trip. keep in mind we JUST got there! so i'm thinking, fuck... why did i even play roulette when i vowed never to ever play that stupid game again from my previous experiences. well. we all know why. the reason i went to vegas this weekend in the first place. to get my mind off of G. damn that girl. she can really make me do the stupidest things even if its indirectly.

so what do i do next... i'm kinda fucked at this point, but not really. i can still have this trip minus the gambling. so why did i make my next move... hao and i were going to put down 2 bills on black.. of course i would have had to borrow 100 from hao since he was pretty like a bank with the wads he was carrying. he was ok with that and i was getting out my last 100. BUT... we were too late to place bets. you guys should have predicted the outcome of our bet if we had made it.. yes.. black.. and guess what.. it wasn't red this time... nor was it black... fucking green! we both looked at each other with amazement. we just got saved 2 bills each for being slow to bet again.

this time we talked it over a bit more... i told him i'll bet one more with him, but not 2 bills so i don't have to end up borrowing money. so we decided ok. we were both putting down 1 bill each. we would make some money back, even if its not all. for me it was better so i could gamble a little more in vegas since we wanted to play holdem as well. if i had lost that 100 i would have eaten using my card and got drinks off of both hao and david. so we made our bet next round deciding that we where not going to fight this table any longer and bet on red. as the wheel was spinning i turned away. guess what came up... nope. you guessed wrong. not black.. but red. =)

a feeling relief came over me. at that point G was no where on my mind. but of course shortly after i was thinking... WTF was i thinking. and asking myself... was G really worth my acting stupid over. i mean, why am i going to be stupid and do these stupid things. she wouldn't feel sympathy for me or anything... if anything it would make it easier for her to say what a stupid idiot. i'm glad i've moved on.

so to sum up this weekend it was full of ups and downs... i lost all the money i brought to gamble with, but i didn't end up borrowing any more. i got in a lot of drinking which was cheap in vegas.. i kept myself surrounded with ppl, easy enough in vegas. i've decided i really want to persue my masters in software engineering. take up guitar lessons. get out more, which is why i'm booked for vegas every weekend this year. i want to make my life that much better and that much more worth while.

as for the remainder of the night, i still need to eat dinner. its now 8.30pm and i want to catch a game with danny tonight and try out my new mouse. remember that mouse i bought before i left for my trip.. good thing i bought it before i lost all that money. recently buying stuff doesn't make me cheer up as it had done before. these material things don't last forever. just like the stuff i give G. but then i gave her my love and look what happened. sigh..

ok. time to eat and listen to music while i wait for danny to come back from grocery shoping with his sister and jen... man i so want those moments he has with jen. i once pictured myself hanging out with G's brother along with G. we could have talked about cars, the games he plays, etc. the brother in law type things. again sigh...

hell song (sum 41)

Everybody’s got their problems
Everybody says the same things to you
It’s just a matter how you solve them
And knowing how to change the things you’ve been through

I fear I’ve come to realize
How fast life can be compromised
Stand back to see what’s going on
I can’t believe this happened to you, this happened to you

It’s just a problem that we’re faced with
Am I not the only one that hates to standby
Complication’s headed first in this line
With all these pictures running through my mind

Knowing endless consequences
I feel so useless in this
Can’t patch that back and as for me, I can’t believe

[chorus:]
Part of me, won’t agree
Cause I don’t know if it’s for sure
Sunnenly, suddenly
I don’t feel so insecure
Anymore

Everybody’s got their problems
Everybody says the same things to you
It’s just a matter how you solve them
What else are we supposed to do

[chorus x2]

(why do things that matter the most
Never end up cutting close
Now that I find out, it ain’t so bad
I don’t think I knew what I had) [x2]

leaving for vegas at 8pm today... sigh.. G loves that dang city. i have over 140k frequent miles and we can go visit anywhere, but i think she'd rather go to vegas. i was saving those miles to take us on trips once she was done with school or at least have a long break between semesters. now they are pointless. i can use them for myself, but everytime i travel i'd always wish G was with me. japan, costa rica, new york city... anywhere i am i wish G was by my side.

funny thing came across my mind today as i was walking back upstairs to our condo. i looked up at the sky and there was this huge bright burning star. i can remember 2 instances vividly when i saw falling stars... the first time was back in college when i was still living in stanford court apartments... i remember i was just getting back from G's place and there was no parking on our side so i parked my car a little farther and walked back. as i was walking i saw a falling star! i thought cool. i believe my wish on that falling star was for G to like me. at the time we were not going out yet. we just hungout sometimes which was pretty fun being with her. i will still in the woo'ing stage. but back to that falling star... the following morning i was going to my car and it was gone! it had been towed for not having a permit. damn them fucking apartment parking lots. they alway tow cars over there. anyhow, that was the story to the first falling star... the second falling star was this past sunday 12.04.2005. as my brother was driving us back from torrance where my parents were, i caught a glimps of a bright streak of light falling from the sky. another falling star. at first was unsure, but i looked at my brother and asked if he'd see the same thing. he said yeah. he wasn't sure either. but since we both saw it, i'm pretty sure i didn't just see a reflection or something off the car windows. it was the dreaded day G told me that she's been hanging out with another guy from up north. she tells me she doesn't think it'll be serious, but deep down i think it might be otherwise.

ok. enough of that shit for now. i have to pack and get ready for vegas. tonight the blog ends early and i'll hop on for more therapy on sunday when we get back. hopefully i can get my mind away from this thing for some time and i can look back at it and ACTUALLY feel the way i think about our past relationship. i too had doubts at one point, but doubts are natural and are a part of life. you got the G? its not uncommon to have doubts. if you can say deep down that you don' t feel any love for me.. then so be it, but if there is a tiny hint, don't give up on it. i've taught you better than to give up when we were together. you should fight for what you really want. you can conquer anything and beat any obstacles. giving into your doubts is a coward's way out. please don't take that route. i admire your fight for a change of career and everything. i know you are a stronger person than the one writing me emails to tell me how she feels rather than calling or talking face to face. remember... you were proud that your dad once said that you were a fighter when you were born. please be that same person again. maybe in the future you will... and maybe in the future... maybe we may have a future... i can still hope.

yet another day

well.. after some jack and coke again.. i was able to have a full night sleep. why then do i wakeup feeling like shit though. of course i know the answer to that. so yesterday after speaking with jerry i think i was back where i started. jerry was the exroomate that introduced gretchen and i. ahh. i can still picture that moment vividly. i picked her up at the flag pole in front of uci. she was with her friend ramona. she had on this spunky attitude and a great smile.

then i wanted to blame jerry for setting us up in the first place, but i really can't since he did start my 5 years of bliss. didn't matter that we began with a rocky relationship, i enjoyed every moment with her. i should have let her know how much i really loved having her around.

mornings like today always temps me to have a drink to get by. its sad how much i like to drink now, since i'm usually not a drinker. good thing for low tolerance or else i'd be drinking myself to death. although some nights i would wish that i don't wakeup at all. might be best.

my heart hurts so much right now. please make the pain go away. =(

...

went to church today at noon. wanted to take my mind off and actually do something better with my time. so i went and prayed for my brother's health and everyone's well being. i usually don't pray for myself, because my problems are not life threatening or anything. plus if i do ask for anything it's for more strength to deal with my problems, not to have them solved for me.

still don't feel a whole lot better afterwards. i walked through the uci campus, which may have been a mistake but i had to so i could get to my car. while walking through all i can think of was gretchen again. i was hoping that maybe my problem has been an entire nightmare and that i was still back in school, even though i dreaded school so much. this time i actually wanted to be back in school, back to the times where i was hanging out with gretchen again. i was actually dreaming that i would see her on campus and we'd run to eachother for a nice hug. ours hugs use to feel so good. like all the problems in this would would just disappear. i just wanted to keep hugging her forever and never let go. now i can barely look into her eyes since it makes her feel strange. such distance now.

trying to eat lunch, but its not going down. so i decided to blog some more. its interesting how the web can sometimes be a soothing therapy. i never really blogged about my feelings before because i always had gretchen to talk to, but these days i have my friends and the web. i can bother the web all i want, but i don't want to bother my friends too much seeing how they actually have real jobs unlike me.

oh yeah. albert lai messaged me while i was away at church. we had a nice little chat while i was trying to eat and all. it's comforting to chat with friends. its also great that friends will come out of no where to checkup on me every so often. i feel so blessed to have such great friends.

...

jen is great. she kept me company and busy playing holdem online so i can clear my mind. she actually helped me transition from feeling sorrow and down to angry and motivated. i looked up the course requirements and application for cal state fullerton masters program... i plan to enroll for fall 06 if everything works out right. its only takes 22 months to complete! and! its online! how great is that. i would be getting my masters in software engineering. perfect for what i do.

the gym was a good workout. david always keeps me on track so i'm not cheating myself. we worked on shoulders and arms today. its nice to walk out of the gym with your shirt skin tight. no need to flex and your arms are solid. too bad that only lasts a couple hours. every workout session i'm learning correct ways to workout on various machines. its good to feel the burn without having to workout so much.

ahh yes. its 9.50pm. i just finished eating dinner. this time i actually finished it. its been what.. maybe almost a week since i've lost all my appetite and ambition for eating and gaining weight. hopefully this momentum keeps up. i've lost so much weight and down to 100 again. the barely eating one meal a day doesn't help. and the alcohol too i guess. at the end of this whole ordeal... i'll either destroy my liver or just build tollerance.

which reminds me... vegas tomorrow baby! david invited me to go with his friends since they have a free room at paris. i don't believe i've stayed there yet. i'm stoked and ready to go. we're going to gamble a lot the first day... if all goes well... we'll keep gambling away... the alternative plan if we lose though, is to hop on the party scene. i actually want to try out the party scene and hit the clubs up. i was thinking of taking a dance class along with my guitar class, but for this trip i'll wing it given enough alcoholic intake. oh. always wanted to try some e too. my friend tee and his group dropped some when they were in vegas last. turned out i missed that trip cause i went up north to visit you know who. that vegas trip was suppose to be rockin. oh well.

...

called up eileen today since i saw her online on friendster. she doesn't usually hop online often. find out that her and her mba buddies were heading to vegas next week. interesting.. so guess what?! i'm heading to vegas next week also! its going to be all about clubbing and socializing next week. they plan on going to rain or ghost bar, maybe even a few clubs. looking at the pictures online, they all seem pretty cool. some have dance floors, which hopefully if i'm drunk enough i'll be out having some fun.

ended up playing cs with danny shortly after. bad day to play since i think my laptop was lagging a lot. i gave up playing around 1.30am since i was getting pretty tired... and i think my emotional down is kicking in again. decided to finish off today's post before i brush and get into bed. looking forward to vegas tomorrow. kinda... sigh...

power outage... argh

ok. so the power was out at my place for several hours. what a pisser. i mean we've had internet outages before, but this just sucked big time. imagine not being able to listen to music or pretty do anything that requires power. i was just sitting around staring at the wall... soo bored that i feel asleep for a couple hours and woke up at half past noon. i wasn't really hungry yet, but really i don't get hungry often. seeing how i've lost some weight over the last couple weeks with everything going on i decided to get out of bed and go out for a fresh breathe of air.

has anyone really stopped for a moment and realize just how lucky they are to have good health and just being able to enjoy breathing? feels damn good. so i procede to drive over to sagami's to grab lunch and eat outside today. usually i would take it home and eat it as i surf net or bother some working ppl online. i'm just getting back into eating again after having all these single meal days, so i grab a tray of spicy tuna and calpico water. i think i'll give my liver a little break from all that jack and coke, even though i'm still craving it. actually i want a glass now as i type this. always puts me into a state of bliss.

so i sit there eating alone, staring at the birds. it was peaceful. as usually i eat very slow so i sat there for maybe almost an hour just to finish 8 pieces of spicy tuna... but i can give it shit since i have no one waiting on me. =) i must admit i'd rather be rushed though and have company to chat with. oh well. kano.. if you are reading this... come back fast!

ok so i couldn't finish my lunch, but i at least ate today. two pieces left so i just picked out the tuna and ate them. still lots of things going on in my head so i head off to the driving range to hit some balls since heading home would be pointless since i can't do anything. the range was ok today. not my best, but not my worse either. i was able to manage 100 yds with my wedge a few hits. i hit all my balls fast cause there's no one with me there either. recently david has been my driving range buddy since kano isn't around. i must say. david has improved a tremedous amount since he first started. damn. he picks it up quick. i'm proud of him for putting in the effort. i try to motivate him to practice more golf and he motivates me to workout. its a good trade.

oh and btw.. last night was the best workout session i've had in ages. i was able to channel all my anger, rage, disappointment, every single emotion i was feeling into my workout. i was lifting like 150 lbs on the chest machines at 24hr. i usually lift 70 lbs or a little more. that felt great... at first i started with 100 something and david put on another 50. he finished his reps and was taking off the weights since i usually can't do his amount, but today i didn't care.. my first set was sooooo easy it felt like i was lifting feathers. so i started to lift his weights... man.. it felt sooo good. i was able to lift them and complete my set. i think when i workout on normal days, my mind always says i can't do anymore and somehow my body believes that. as david says its all in the head. i really thing that's true now. physically my body can take more weights for out workouts.

right now i'm celebrating with some good o jack and coke. good shit as usual. ;) i'm testing this photo upload on blogspot. here are some photos of my room in the middle of redecorating.







what a day. started out with a good outlook and now i'm back to thinking about gretchen again. talked with jerry, my exroomate whom set gretchen and i up. everytime i talk to jerry i can only picture the day i met gretchen. i was so happy. i didn't know her at the time, but from her spunky attitute she looked so cute.

ok enough of those memories. i'm sure i'm the only one that thinks about them. they probably don't mean anything to gretchen these days. to busy with school and moving on in life.

my final move today was to remove gretchen from my aim list. no more contact period, at least for now. i must move on myself and keeping her on my list just makes it worse. i want to talk to her badly, but i know i shouldn't. deep down my love for her is still strong, but i realize i'm screwing myself up mentally and physically over a person that i can't ever get to love me the same way.

every night i wish the next day will be better. i want to keep talking to my friends on phone, but i think that would bother them since they've already consulted me the last few days. tonight will be hard to get over. to be honest... i still can't sleep well at nights lately. when i close my eyes all i see is her. fuck. why does love hurt this much.

funny incident

ok get this... today i'm feeling pretty good about accepting reality... basically i see signs of getting over my relationship because for the first time in weeks i can concentrate on work again.

so here's the funny story. i turned on my ipod and felt kinda lazy selecting songs, so i choose shuffle play... and guess what.. the first song is a dj epic mix of "you'll be in my future". i mean wtf. i think someone above has got a great sense of humor. hahaha. =)

final chapter

this one is hard to blog about so i'll just borrow a song from the cd death cab for cutie called plans...

stable song (gibbard)

time for the final bout
rows of deserted houses
all our stablemates highway bound

give us our measly sum
getting the air inside my lungs is heavenly
starting out with nothing but crippling doubt

we'll rest easy, justifed

i suffered a swift defeat
i'll endure countless repeats
the gift of memory is an awful curse
with age it just get much worse but i don't mind

...end of song...

today i've completed my chapter on my first relationship. i can't say that it won't forever hurt since the struggle for love was only persued by me, and that's what hurt the most. she came into my life with doubts and walked away the same.

it takes two people in order for love. i now see that with more clarity. there should be no obstacles between those in love, just opportunities which both have to see. in my case, only i had the vision of this love.

i'll close this with an advice. be true to your love. always be upfront, honest, and communicate. in the end you really can't make a person love you the way you love them. also don't ever regret that you've tried your best no matter the outcome.

good night to all.

fear and emotions

fear can make a person do terrible things
things that hurt the ones you love most
you may find that you distance yourself
losing sight of what's ahead of you

regret can only bring you to sorrow
anger leads you back to fear
hope gives you a better outlook
love is unexplainable yet lets you feel complete

my love

internal turmoil
the constant battle between mixed emotions
one dominant emotion alone leads to an overdose
anger compliments sorrow
the battle begins

hope is added to this internal struggle for equilibrium
hope can uplift sorrow
maybe even defeat anger
one day hope may bring back the one i love most

so does the turmoil end here
the answer is no
love is not easy to conquer and much more painful to lose
hope along with work and perseverance will get you your path again

in the end you've done your best leaving no regrets
the outcome is for the one you love to decide
life is never as simple as mere words can express
and now its finally time to rest